


A Japanese Summer

by rainbowdots888



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Drama, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Romance, Samurai, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-24 03:56:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14947116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowdots888/pseuds/rainbowdots888
Summary: Tadayoshi has just lost his father, an important Lord of England. It's time for him to fulfill his father's dream: travel across the world and finally marry his Japanese fiancee, Kae. In Japan, where his mother was born, he will find who he is and above all who he really loves.





	1. From England to Japan

**Author's Note:**

> Alright. So, this is a new multi-chapter :-) It's quite ambitious and may take some time to reach its conclusion but I hope you'll like it.   
> The whole thing is pretty much inspired by Ryo's looks in his current drama, Segodon. As for Tatsu as a young English lord, well, his irl behavior speaks for itself, don't you think? ;-)

It's noon on Tokyo Bay's Harbor main pier and the heat is overwhelming. Tadayoshi has never known such inferno, he who has been raised in the very cool – and humid – English countryside. The _Adventurer_ , the steamboat that has brought him here, blasts a resounding goodbye to her passengers and finally leaves the quay, tearing her enormous carcass from the earth to return at sea. Tadayoshi waves at the sea giant with a smile, as if it were a friend, as if they'd got to know each other well. He's just spent weeks in the roaring depths of the ship, shaken by the rough ocean, amazed at the majesty of the sea and he suddenly feels like he's going to miss the ship's perpetual movement, the freshness of the sea breeze on his face every morning. The air seems to be so heavy here, so sticky, unmoving.

 

It's May, and his old Japanese steward has warned him many times when they've discussed his trip: Summer in Japan is nothing like England. Japan itself is nothing like England.

 

It's May 1894, and Tadayoshi discovers the country where his mother was born for the first time. The noise is deafening on the quay, crawling with hundreds of merchants and disembarking passengers. Huge boats are moored all along, preventing him from seeing the Pacific ocean one last time before he plunges into the moving crowd. It smells like rotting fish and sweat, and his ear catches bits of a language he's not used to hearing so mistreated. His mother has taught him the most delicate Japanese in his small classroom back at his father's house. Now the screams and the gurgling of the people around him sound like a deception like he's not arrived in the country he was bound for, the beautiful and poetic land his mother has described to him with vibrant words.

 

The young man steps inside the cruise terminal, relieved to find a place where the shadows are actually giving a bit of freshness to the atmosphere. His trunks are waiting for him here, in a very unbalanced pile, threatening to fall on the first person who'd barely brush past them. Two men are waiting at the pieces of baggage's feet, checking on every stranger walking next to them. They're comparing an image sketched on paper to every young man's face in the terminal, getting some disapproving looks from passers-by.

 

“Good day to you, gentlemen. I guess you're waiting for me.” Tadayoshi says in his most polished Japanese, finally glad to speak to some non-westernized natives.

 

“Are you Lord Ashton?” Asks the smallest man, annoyed and obviously not even impressed at the young man's efforts to blend in. He looks like the samurais his mother has told him about, the legendary warriors of the legends she liked to read to her young and curious son. That man is rough, delicately muscular under the dark fabric of his traditional clothes, his long black hair tied into a messy bun at the back of his head. He looks fierce and is definitely not the most polite person Tadayoshi could have dreamt meeting first.

 

“Yes, I am. But it will be Ohkura-san here if you please.”

 

Both men look at him with round eyes, disconcerted.

 

“Whatever,” the samurai says, “Follow close. We'll send someone for your... things,” he adds, vaguely gesturing at the enormous amount of trunks Tadayoshi has brought with him.

 

****************  
  
“So... Ohkura-san is it?” The man asks once they're both installed in a sedan chair, rocking back and forth through the busy streets of Tokyo. Tadayoshi feels sea-sick in the cramped vehicle, seated very close to the other, so close that he can see every detail of his sun-kissed face. He slightly opens the curtains and takes a gulp of the suffocating hot air of the streets.

 

“Yes.” he forces himself to explain. If that person is sitting with him inside the litter instead of walking next to it, it means he's someone important. And Tadayoshi does not want to start his stay in Japan by making someone important angry. It's at least worth some explanations. “Ohkura is my mother's name. Before she married my Lord father. Here, I'd rather go by her name, to be honest.”

 

“As you like.”

 

Tadayoshi's companion looks outside for a while, looking disconcertingly uninterested in him, though he's asked about his Japanese name just before.

 

“And... You are?” He tries, mostly to distract his body from nausea, growing inside him.

 

“My name's Ryo. I'm at Yamada-sama's service.”

 

“Oh.”

 

It's awkward in the sedan chair and the outside does not seem way better. It's crawling with people, some colorful and delicate, others dark and rough. The city looks old, quite dirty, only different from London by a single detail: it's unknown to Tadayoshi and thus, utterly mysterious. Ryo is from time to time furtively looking at him, stealing a glance at his face, his clothes, as if he wanted to make sure of something, as if he spied on the tall half-Japanese, half-English curiosity riding the chair with him.

 

“Ain't you hot with all that stuff on?” The samurai finally asks, pointing at Tadayoshi's vest and jacket.

 

“Hm... I'm doing alright. England's summers are usually scorching, and I love to bathe in the sun.” Tadayoshi tries a joke, without much success. He knows that he's so pale compared to Ryo that his escort can probably see his veins through his skin. The other is just blankly looking at him, unamused and most likely thinking that the foreigner he's stranded inside the chair with is completely dumb. “Hm. No. To tell the truth, I'm dying. It's so hot in here...How can you...”

 

“If you're hot, remove some layers. Don't go fainting on me, my mission is to bring you safely to my master.”

 

“Alright, then...”

 

Tadayoshi lets go of his jacket, vest, and tie, before opening the three first buttons of his white shirt with a relieved sigh. There's no point in trying to keep the appearances up in front of that young brute, he'll save the refined Englishman attitude for the one he has to meet.

 

“She doesn't like precious men who behave like girls, you know?” Ryo says with a barely audible voice.

 

“I'm sorry?”

 

“Kae. If you really intend to marry her, you'll have to man up. If it's even possible...”

 

The contempt in his interlocutor's eyes makes Tadayoshi want to slap him, to throw down his glove and start a fight. He surely wants to blend in but not at the cost of his honor.

 

“May I ask who you think you are to tell me such things?”

 

“Wow. Calm down, little lord. That country's not yours. Kae's not yours. It's not because you have a pretty Japanese face and lots of money that you will be the king here. This is not your daddy's estate. This is Tokyo, Japan, and I've known Kae since we're born. I am the one she'll marry, I'll protect her.” The sedan chair comes to a sudden halt as Ryo pauses to take a breath. The door opens on one side, letting the sun graze the inside of the litter. “We've arrived. After you, my lord...” The samurai concludes with a fake smile, showing him the way out.

 

Tadayoshi gets out of the small lacquered space and takes a deep breath. He's so dizzy after the other man's threatening monologue that the gentle breeze that blows outside feels like fresh water on his face. They've stopped in a garden, on a hill overlooking the whole gigantic city. He can see the ocean from here and thousands and thousands of buildings and streets rhythmed with black five-stories pagodas that stand over the houses like soldiers keeping an eye on Tokyo. Tadayoshi turns around and finally discovers it: the traditional wooden house where his fiancee is living is massive. It looks more like a palace of some sorts, standing so huge on its hill that there's apparently no end to its tiled roofs and complex offsets.

 

Yamada-sama's estate.

 

Tadayoshi's Lord father's best friend in Japan, the one who's always considered that his friend's son and his own daughter would marry one day. The one Japanese man who's sent letters and presents in England for them since he was born. Tadayoshi feels a prickle of cold sweat on his back. According to her father's last letter, Kae is eagerly waiting for him. That girl he has never met but who has been promised to him from the very moment she drew her first breath.

 

****************  
  
“Tadayoshi!! My son! We're so glad to have you!” The old and fat man known as Yamada-sama shouts in glee when he sees them enter the huge reception room. He strides towards him and gives Tadayoshi the most embarrassing hug under Ryo's furious gaze. “How are you? How was your trip? Tell me!”

 

Everything is so intimidating in that place he doesn't know. The darkness and severity of the wooden beams, the eloquent simplicity of the tatami mats covering the floor, all this feels so different, so exotic.

 

“Hm. Good... Very good, Sir. I'm so happy to be here, finally.”

 

“I guess so! After all that has happened! Before dying, your dad was writing every month. I miss his words and his friendship so much. So as his beloved son, please consider you're at home here. You have found a second father in me, and today, I finally met the son I never had the luck to have.”

 

“Yamada-sama, you're being too kind...”

 

“And you're beautifully educated! A perfect English gentleman for my daughter!”

 

It's so embarrassing, that display of sheer enthusiasm from a man who's meant to become his father-in-law, that Tadayoshi blushes like a damsel, earning an obvious mocking look from Ryo.

 

“Where's my daughter, though? She should be here, with us, to celebrate!”

 

“She went hunting this morning, sir.Alone.” Ryo says with a dreamy smile. He's thinking of her, that girl he has a crush on, a girl who's bold enough to go hunt by herself when all the other women in the making of this world are fainting in front of a bug.

 

Tadayoshi suddenly recalls all those young and pretty seductresses fluttering around him back in England. None of them would have gone as far as the pond without a man attached to their arm, just in case of a sudden and vicious rabbit attack. What kind of girl is Kae, she that makes a samurai daydream in front of his master.

 

“Hunting? Again... When will she transform into a proper woman? I've told you to keep an eye on her, Ryo!”

 

Mystery solved. Kae is special, different. And Tadayoshi can't wait to meet her, finally, after those long years of self-persuasion.

 

 _'I hope that when we'll marry, Kae will be as pretty as mom!'_ He had told his lord father a few months after his mother's demise, the year he'd turned eight. And his father had answered that when he would see his intended for the first time, beautiful or not, he'd know without a doubt if he'd love her forever.

 

Love at first sight.

 

How sappy is that idea, really?

 

Tadayoshi looks at Ryo, who's walked to a paper door opened on a wonderful garden. It has started raining, eventually, and the young man is looking at the big drops that hit the perfectly mowed lawn in a chaotic rhythm. On an impulse, he walks to him and stands by his side, appeased.

 

“This place is magical...” He says, amazed at the beauty of the gardens.

 

“You have no idea...” Ryo retorts, sniggering.

 

“... And Kae seems to be unique.”

 

Ryo throws an amused glance at him. His face is so expressive that looking at him is like reading the book written by his soul, and Tadayoshi likes that. Maybe they can be friends, after all.

 

“She is. And as magical as that place.” The samurai is now broadly smiling. Indeed, they can be friends, there's no doubt. “That's why she's mine, though.” He concludes, his beautiful smile suddenly falling apart as he leaves, unbothered, under the rain.

 


	2. The English guy

 

It has been three days since Tadayoshi has set foot in Japan and he has already sworn to himself that every morning he would spend here would involve waking up earlier than the sun so he can observe the quiet dawn and its rosy colors painting Yamada-sama's gardens. There's something sacred in those clear mornings, just before the heat takes over the country, something god-like to the sky that changes so fast with the sun rising. He hopes to make it a habit, to sit on the threshold of his room on the freshly waxed wood with a pure green tea in hand, and look at the city waking up.

 

Today, after his silent contemplation of the sky, he deftly hops onto the grass just below his room's door, bare feet, savoring the sensation of the soft cushion the green lawn makes under his toes. He walks a bit further, touching the first blossoms of hydrangeas with the tip of his fingers, sniffing the heart of pink roses that reminds him of the ones his garden is full of, back there, in England.

 

His father has been gone for six months already and his heart aches thinking of all the things he would have loved to do with him. Firstly, discover Japan together. Meet with Yamada and his household together, as father and son, as friends, and make him proud on the day of his wedding. Tadayoshi knows it will be different, now that he has lost all his family, he knows that he has to build another one in this country far away on the other side of the world. It's almost too heavy of a duty for his young shoulders but seeing the garden waking up in peace this morning, he allows himself at least a bit of hope. Maybe he'll finally meet Kae today, and maybe they'll fall in love.

 

Ryo's grumpy frown materializes in front of his dreamy eyes and he laughs it off. The man is not much of a threat to him in the end, he's nothing, only a domestic who dreams too big and doesn't know his place.

 

The sun is now making the dew droplets shimmer on the grass. It's fresh and beautiful, the perfect place for a nap. So Tadayoshi lies down on the green carpet and closes his eyes with a contented smile on the lips.

 

****************  
  
It tickles. Something very thin and light is running along his nose and Tadayoshi's nap is disrupted by the tingly sensation. If there is one thing gets on his nerves it's when a bug or a plant is playing it dirty and prevents him to quietly finish his nap. He opens his eyes with difficulty, momentarily blinded by the sun.

 

There's someone over him, it's not just a bug running on his face, it's a young woman with very long and messy dark hair who's tickling his nose with a dried blade of grass. He abruptly sits up in surprise and crawls just a few feet away from the tingly torture instrument.

 

“Who are you?” He asks, detailing his tormentor in one quick glance. A woman in her early twenties, wearing men's clothes that are all torn and dirty. A pretty face framed by rebellious long black hair that tangles around her arms and shoulders.

 

“You're supposed to be my future husband.” She answers, shrugging. She looks very disappointed.

 

“K-Kae?”

 

“Mh. That's how people call me.”

 

Kae's black almond-shaped eyes are beautiful and surely captivating. No wonder Ryo has lost himself in their depths long ago.

 

“Nice to meet you, then, I'm Tadayoshi.”

 

“Yes, I would have guessed so. Only a foreigner can lie under the sun for hours and burn like you just did. You look like a boiled crab.” She laughs, and her voice is making the sound of a hundred small chiming bells.

 

And in fact, Tadayoshi realizes that his face burns, that the tiny piece of skin on his chest that was exposed is shining a brighter red than the roses all around them. Not smooth, for a romantic encounter with his future wife he thinks, vaguely ashamed.

 

“Your skin is so pale... Almost like the boring old women here.” Kae adds mischievously. Her own skin is as sun-kissed as Ryo's and it's no surprise given she spends her days out of the house hunting and running instead of playing her woman role. Tadayoshi feels slightly offended, this is not the first meeting he'd dreamed of for the ten past years. Somehow he'd hoped that he would look his best, that he would be the manly and fine gentleman he usually is in England. But Japan is doing things to him, he's not really himself anymore here, caressing flowers and blushing in front of daring girls.

 

While he is thinking, Kae slowly approaches observing his features with curious eyes. She's very close now, and when she finally speaks, her breath caresses Tadayoshi's skin.

 

“You're still very pretty, though.” She whispers just for him. “Prettier than me, even. I like it.”

 

Her mouth is just a few inches away from his lips and he doesn't know how to react. Being called pretty by his future wife is already shameful enough, he hopes that the blush on his cheeks is invisible, blended in the redness of the painful sunburn. Tadayoshi realizes that he has closed his eyes as he opens them in surprise when a bold kiss is pressed on his lips. Kae remains there for a while, way too long in his opinion, and his stomach churns in discomfort.

 

“Wait-What are you...?”

 

“You're not fun. You're the first man who's not eager to kiss me. Ryo was right about you after all...”

 

Kae stands, looking mightily disappointed. Her pout is both adorable and cruel, making him want to disappear through the grass, swallowed by the earth, and never come out again.

 

****************  
  
The sound of the katanas' blades banging together is echoing in the small courtyard where the heat is so strong that Ryo has taken the upper part of his kimono off. The sleeves are messily tied around his waist and sweat is running down his chest as he tries to fend the blows of his opponent off. Sand flies around at their every move, covering the training fighters from head to toe.

 

Tadayoshi is sitting in the shade of the buildings, looking at the deft moves, observing the techniques he has not learned yet, the intricate strategy of an art he'd love to practice. But for now it's Kae fighting against Ryo and he has a hard time guessing which of them will come out victorious of this duel. It's just a training session but Kae is putting all her strength in it, all her stamina. Her hair is still a tangled mess and her legs are covered with the sticky brown sand, but she does not care, jumping into battle like a fierce knight of the legends, screaming out of joy every time she makes Ryo step back in surprise.

 

She almost kills him twice but he does not retaliate, way too focused to care. A few times their faces are almost touching and Tadayoshi can see in their eyes all the attraction between them as if these fights were some kind of foreplay, a way to tell with their blades the strength of their feelings.

 

And it hurts.

 

Even if he doesn't know Kae that much, even if she has been obnoxious since the first time they've met in the gardens. Still. Kae is supposed to become his wife, after all. She is the person for whom he has crossed the world, she is the promise he's made to his dying father. She despises him.

 

“Hey! English guy! Wanna try some manly game, for once?” Ryo shouts from the other side of the courtyard. He's so loud Tadayoshi jolts and Kae snorts in amusement.

 

Tadayoshi would rather not be humiliated again in front of her but he can't openly refuse. He would pass for a coward if he did. So he stands, brushes the dust off his trousers and nods silently. His fiancee hands him her sword and he's surprised at the perfect balance of it, once in his hand.

 

It's light but heavy enough to be precise and easy to wield. The blade sounds deadly, swiftly cutting the thick air around him as he tries it and gets used to the grip. It's very different from the foil he's used to fencing with but it feels good in his hand. When he turns around, Ryo is looking at him with curious eyes, a smirk on the lips.

 

“Do you know how to use this, boy?” He tries, “It's not a toy, y'know.”

 

“No, it's not. It's beautiful, though. I'm not used to that kind of blade, but I did practice fencing a lot, maybe it's not...”

 

“Well, there's no 'fencing' here, fencing is for cowards. Show me who you really are, English guy.” It's said with a long excited growl and Tadayoshi surprisingly likes the sound of it. Again, foolishly, for a split second, he starts hoping that they become friends, one day.

 

But Ryo jumps on him without warning, his long sword whistling above Tadayoshi's head, and it's not a matter of becoming friends anymore. He manages to step aside just in time as his sudden move raises brown dust all around them again. The blade feels good in his right hand but there's something missing, something he does not get yet, that gives Ryo an obvious superiority while they fight. He fends all the strong blows off, but he's just protecting himself, never attacking nor _daring_. His breath is very short, he pants in exhaustion very fast in this incredible heat that makes his blood boil.

 

A blow, stronger than any other one, makes him step back harder and bang into a wooden wall. If his opponent decides to kill him now, he's done for, there's no way to escape for him. So he grabs the grip of his blade with both hands in a desperate attempt to protect himself. Unlike the foils he used to wield at home, the katana seems to finally come alive once his hands are joined, vibrating with the force he puts in his last effort to spurn Ryo's attacks. There are only two things existing for him right now: the two blades that are finally meeting evenly, strongly, creating sparks at each contact and the tangible feeling of his natural strength coming back, finally freed of his fears. He takes a step forward and the wall is not in his back anymore.

 

Another step, then a third and a fourth, rhythmed by the metallic noise of their blades and they're in the middle of the courtyard again, Ryo giving way under the storm of blows Tadayoshi is showering him with. One last movement, one last push of his wrist and one last effort that makes his lungs burn, and Kae screams from the place where she is observing the fight.

 

Ryo stops, reflexively reaching for his right upper arm with one hand, and frowns in pain. There's blood flowing from between his fingers now, bright red, abundant blood running down in rivulets along both his arms. The samurai's eyes are dark, the darkest eyes can ever be, promising Tadayoshi a painful revenge.

 

And Ryo smiles, all of a sudden, a luminous smile contrasting with the terrifying darkness of his irises.

 

“Finally... Finally, you did something like a man.” He hiccups, suddenly overwhelmed either by pain or excitement.

 

“And all this was so stupid, Ryo. Get to know your opponents before challenging them. I may be an _English guy_ , I may look like a girl to you, I may burn under the sun that has given you the most beautiful skin, but still... I've been fencing since I was four. I've won the English championship twice. I know how to behave around swords, I was raised with them in hand. This is my piece of advice: don't be so reckless Ryo, it may save your damn life one day.”

 

At that, Tadayoshi puts his katana safely to the ground, takes off his white cotton shirt and throws it next to the blade. It has been sprayed all over with Ryo's blood thus bearing the memory of this suffocating afternoon. Before turning heels, Tadayoshi has a single look for Kae. She is smiling.

 


	3. A Night Together

 

It's late already, the sun has disappeared a few hours ago but the heat remains, a little toned down by a fresh breeze coming from the hills. Tadayoshi has taken some time after dinner for a quiet walk, far from Yamada-sama and his beloved – and dangerous – daughter.

 

He still loves strolling through the huge house and its gardens on his own, even after everything that has happened and the growing hostility he feels toward him. Yamada-sama has laughed his fight with Ryo off, very amused by the fact his squire has been the loser for once. Of course, Kae has not laughed as much as her father, and even less the Samurai, who has stormed out of the room before dinner was even served.

 

The sound of the cicadas at night is obsessive but Tadayoshi still deems it way nicer than the lowing of his cattle in England. He walks through the halls and the corridors, slipping on the singing wooden floors in his socks and marvels at every decorated chest, every piece of lacquered wood. This house smells. It smells like wood and straw, like dust and antic fabrics, but above all, it smells like nothing he's ever known before. The fragrance of another time, another country, on the other side of the world.

 

Absorbed in his meticulous exploration of the house, Tadayoshi does not notice the voices at first. It takes a loud slap sound and a scream to get him out of his exotic reverie.

 

“Get. Out!!!” A woman shouts in the closest room. Kae's voice. He stealthily hides behind a panel, disappearing in the shadows just in time to see Ryo leaving the chamber while holding his swollen jaw. The samurai swears as he passes by, oblivious of the person hiding right next to him.

 

It's interesting, to say the least, but as devoured by curiosity as he is, Tadayoshi is not comfortable with this whole 'spying' attitude so he comes out of his hideout and follows Ryo at a reasonable distance. Not too close, he would be found out immediately, but not too far as well, as it would give out the impression he's stalking.

 

****************  
  
“Does it hurt?” He finally dares to ask the seated Samurai. Ryo is still rubbing his jaw, absentmindedly looking at the gardens. It's dark but the moon is high and gives enough light to barely make out the outline of things.

 

“I don't know what hurts the most. Humiliation or blows.” The man says, turning slightly so he can look at the English lord in the eyes. “Have a seat?”

 

“Gladly.”

 

Tadayoshi sits on the engawa's shiny floor, next to the other. Their legs are hanging above the garden, the breeze caresses their skins and the closeness the night provides feels good.

 

“Are you doing alright? I mean, I have not known you for long, yet you look like you just had a terrible day.”

 

“And whose fault is it, seriously?” Ryo looks straight at him with his darkest glare. Those eyes could kill, as surely as the sword that man is wielding.

 

“... Am I also responsible for the slap?”

 

“Oh, so you heard... Didn't think someone as smart as you are would eavesdrop.”

 

“I wasn't. You two were kind of loud.”

 

Ryo snickers. At least it looks like a smile in the dull light of the oil lamps.

 

“No, you're not responsible for this one. I am.”

 

“What happened, then?” There's something in the air that allows Tadayoshi to talk to Ryo as if they were friends, even if every sentence of his is cautiously built beforehand in his head. He really does not want to raise Ryo's ire because oddly, he still wants to be friends, to share something with the samurai. It is strange that attraction, how much he's drawn to the other.

 

Ryo clears his voice, he obviously needs to speak, letting finally his guard down.

 

“Y'know... Kae and I... Well, I told you she's mine, but... I lied,” he pauses for a while, staring into the nothingness of the night. “My mom was her wet nurse. We were raised together, almost as siblings. But now, it's different... I care for her so much. She's so beautiful, so special. I'm not even sure I'm in love, but maybe... Thing is, I don't think she looks at me like that. Tonight she was taking care of my wound, because you asshole did a pretty good job at ruining my arm, and... I don't know... I tried to kiss her. On an impulse, to make things clearer... and needless to say she didn't enjoy my little initiative.”

 

“... What?”

 

“Hm? You can laugh, I'm pathetic, I know.”

 

“So you... never? You and Kae, you're not a couple?”

 

Ryo shifts nervously next to him, his dark eyes are still lost into the unfathomable darkness.

 

“I wish we were sometimes, and some other times, she's my precious little sister. I don't know anymore. Anyway, Yamada-sama will never let me marry her. I'm a dirty louse compared to that noble family.”

 

“How are you so sure she does not feel for you?”

 

“Eh? You heard that slap literally through the walls, remember...”

 

The samurai covers his face with his hands, trying to hide the tears that are threatening to roll down his cheeks.

 

“Hm...Would you care for a drink, Ryo? I've brought something from my country, something way tastier than your rice liquor. Moreover, it's a very helping friend when you need to drown your sorrows.”

 

“Ain't you tryin' to poison me, my Lord, now that you know that Kae can be yours? Crushing all competition?” Ryo's eyes are finally on him, and he's smiling jokingly. A smile is so luminous that Tadayoshi's heart skips a beat.

 

“Well... It's a risk worth taking, I say. You never know, you may finally come to like something made in England.” He answers, slightly laughing.

 

“Don't count on this too much, lordling. I'm still a proud Japanese warrior.”

 

They end up both laughing, the sound of their voices floating in the air around them. Tadayoshi is not sure he should feel relieved after the revelation Ryo has made or for the fact that they are slowly, but surely, becoming closer.

 

 

****************  
  
“Wow, that stuff's great!”

 

“Isn't it? Whiskey is the best. I took a small cask of it with me, just in case I would miss home a little too much.”

 

Ryo is looking at the amber-colored liquid shining in his glass. The golden shimmers of the spirit reflect in his ebony eyes and on his tanned skin, enhancing the effects of drunkenness. He looks beautiful, especially when he smiles. It would take just a little trimming of his gorgeous black mane and a few English lessons for Ryo to look and sound like a nobleman, next to him. A black jacket, proper trousers, and a top hat would do wonders...

 

And just like that, thanks to the comfortable atmosphere and the strong alcohol running through him, Tadayoshi imagines them both, walking along the busy streets of London, discovering together the new exhibit at the Museum, sipping a cup of a strong dark tea with milk while eating scones. They're laughing a lot, they're talking, the sun is shining above the City but the air is soft, the pastry is sweet and Ryo's long fingers are slowly intertwining with his own under the lacy tablecloth.

 

“Hey...! Are you alright?”

 

Ryo's slightly worried voice is bringing him back to earth, and seeing the other so close to his face, as he is still feeling the ghostly fingers in his hand makes him blush hard.

 

“Yes... I... I'm sorry. I guess I got carried away... Thinking of England.”

 

“Oh. But you're in Japan, now.”

 

“I am, for sure. Far from home.”

 

“You know... In my opinion...” The samurai hesitates, looking like not sure that what he is going to say is actually safe to utter.

 

“Yes?”

 

“... I think that if you want to feel comfortable here, you have to live like us. You have to understand Japan, to blend in.”

 

“I do understand. My mother was Japane...”

 

“No, you don't, not fully. Your mom told you what she wanted you to know, only. The beautiful memories of a country she'd left for your dad. You need to go further, to explore. First, you should drop those foreigner clothes.” Ryo says with a drunk smile, pointing at Tadayoshi's white shirt and trousers.

 

“Eh? But... I don't... I don't know how...”

 

“Yeah, you'll have to trust me on that, lordling. Come with me...”

 

It's so late that Tadayoshi has lost count of the hours. So late or so early that the sun seems to be reappearing East, giving a dull blue color to the world. Ryo's hand is holding his wrist and they're running through the gardens to a smaller house, built next to the estate's walls. He feels dizzy with the alcohol but the strong grip of the other is like an anchor steadily leading him until they are standing in the attic of the small house in front of a dozen wooden chests.

 

“What are these?”

 

“My father's clothes. He was way taller than me, they should suit you just fine.”

 

“Wait, Ryo... It's... They're yours.”

 

“It's just old fabric that's gonna rot here if you don't wear it. Go on, you can pick some you like...”

 

He opens the first chest with a kick and digs through it, holding kimonos out to Tadayoshi. It's like he has forgotten what has happened between him and Kae earlier, like the person who is with him hasn't deeply cut his arm in a duel a few hours ago.

 

A soft fabric lands onto Tadayoshi's open arms, so soft it feels like reinforced silk. The lights are making it shine a deep forest green. It's striped with delicate emerald lines that make the cloth look so much more than the usual samurai's rag.

 

“Wait. Those are beautiful! Who was your father here?”

 

“He used to be the chamberlain of his house, before...”

 

“Before what?”

 

“Anyway. This one looks perfect for you. Try it on?”

 

For the first time since they have met, Ryo looks shy, a little embarrassed. The proud frown barring his eyebrows has vanished, to give way to a much more genuine smile. He almost looks like a child trying to convince someone he's worth the effort, worth loving. A child so lost and so alone Tadayoshi starts questioning everything he's seen before or believes to have seen.

 

“I don't know how to wear these...”

 

“I'll help.” Ryo shrugs it off.

 

Tadayoshi slowly gets rid of his European garments, ending up only in his linen underwear under the eyes of someone he barely knows. Someone who's apparently not caring about it and starts dressing him in the green clothes he's prepared. His hands are light, as soft and strong as the fabric when they accidentally touch Tadayoshi's skin. He closes his eyes and lets the other man do as he likes with him. In his head, still clouded by the strong whiskey, he imagines again those fingers running along the back of his hand, caressing his palm and lovingly close onto his own hand. He's drunk, he knows it, hence the improper thoughts. But still, something is happening within him, something he doesn't quite understand yet. Something that may change everything.

 

In the attic, the movements stop and Ryo's hands are on his hips, turning him around until they face each other.

 

“See? I knew it'd suit you. You look perfect, my Lord.” He says with the most sincere smile.

 


	4. Going on an Adventure

 

Ryo was right. There are so many things Tadayoshi doesn't know about Japan. His tender and loving mother has not exactly been thorough when explaining where they both came from. He can see it in the streets of Tokyo every day, can read it in the newspapers that are brought to him every morning by the house's servants. Where his mother had promised gorgeous hydrangeas and poetic cherry trees he sees poverty and starvation of children. Where she'd depicted glorious ceremonies full of colors and smiles in thousand-year-old temples lies the truth of war threats and violence.

 

As much as he loves the place where he has been treated as a highly honored guest since he has been in Japan, he also knows that he needs to go out, to see more and discover by himself the beauties and the horrors of the country. That's why he spills the beans that evening, in front of everyone important in the house, all of them seated around the dinner table.

 

“Yamada-sama. I need to travel. I would like to see Japan with my own eyes before... Well, before anything happens.”

 

“Oh. And where would you like to go, my son?” The imposing Lord answers with a slightly mocking smile. He' about to laugh it off, as he does with everything that is not directly related to his business or his daughter.

 

“Where my feet are taking me... I just want to learn.”

 

“Alright. As long as you are back in time for the wedding. I've set the date. The very last day of the seventh month, the day of my beloved daughter's birthday.”

 

Kae coughs in surprise and chokes on her tea.

 

“Father, I don't think...”

 

“You will do as I say. In three weeks it is. Tadayoshi, I'm giving you five of my most faithful guards to keep you safe during your trip. You can go tomorrow if it pleases you.”

 

“Actually, I don't need five guards. May I ask for Ryo to accompany me instead?”

 

Another loud cough, this time coming directly from the young samurai who can't keep his composure anymore.

 

“... Me?” He succeeds to utter with a croaky voice.

 

“Well, you told me yourself that there were many things to discover. Show them to me.”

 

“If my son wants you to accompany him, so be it. His life is your responsibility from now on.”

 

“Yes my Lord.”

 

Ryo deeply bows, not without giving his darkest look to Tadayoshi. Kae still seems in shock after the wedding announcement and doesn't react to the whole trip idea. She has pushed her food away and enclosed herself behind a childish frown.

Tadayoshi has won. Tomorrow, he'll be out on the roads with Ryo, far from the possibility of a marriage he's not sure to want any more. There are only a few weeks until the wedding ceremony, but it still feels like an eternity, everything can change, _he_ can change, and finally find what he's come to Japan for.

 

****************  
  
“So... You're leaving us?”

 

“For a few weeks, yes. Are you suddenly remorseful and affected by my trip?”

 

Kae is standing at the entrance of his room that morning, blocking the way to the gardens where he knows Ryo is already waiting for him.

 

“Don't be so cruel, we didn't even get a chance to talk properly once.”

 

“Hm... Whose fault is that?”

 

“You're not marrying Japan, you're marrying _me_. It's me you should try to learn about.”

 

She's beautiful indeed with her doll face, pure skin, and almond-shaped eyes. Her hair is so long it's caught in the folds of her loose kimono. Her, today, her attitude, her grace and that cute pout on her lips, all of that is so different from what he has seen of her before. It's like everyone has played a role in this house since he has arrived, everyone except himself.

 

“I think I learned what I needed to know about you. Kae... I'll be back way before the due date but... things may change, you know.”

 

“You'd marry someone else?” She shrieks. “Who's that bitch?”

 

“No one, there's no other one, it's just that you and me, it's not...”

 

“What about your father, what about mine? They've paved the path for us, long ago. As their children, we have to follow that path. What would your father say?”

 

“My father's dead, Kae, he will not say anything. I've come here to find answers to questions that were devouring me. I have found the first hint of an answer only very recently, I just need to confirm that feeling. I need to go.”

 

She walks to him, her red and flowery kimono floating around her like a sail. She's so light and swift, it's like she flies right into his arms, closing hers around his waist. Her head falls onto his chest and he can't move anymore, surprised by the sudden intimacy of their contact.

 

“Don't go... Please.” Kae's voice is so soft, almost loving that Tadayoshi has trouble thinking. Maybe he is wrong after all, and his duty is to remain here until they're married, just like their families had planned. “... Don't take him away from me, please...” she whispers, crying in his arms.

 

He freezes. So this is all about Ryo, in the end. Tadayoshi feels so stupid to have thought, even for a split second, that his future could be in this woman's arms.

 

“We will go. And we may never return, so at least you will be crying for a reason,” he says, pushing her away coldly. He feels jealous, his heart hurts from a feeling he thought he would never let himself succumb to again. Tears are rolling on her cheeks but it's fury he sees in her eyes just before she slaps him so hard he's blinded for a second. His left cheek hurts and he stumbles on his feet while she runs for the door, disappearing within a second, the silky sound of her kimono still floating behind her.

 

****************  
  
“Your left cheek's all red, my Lord. Is it a rash or something?”

 

“I told you to call me Tadayoshi. Please.”

 

They have been walking next to their horses for a little while in the streets of the capital, way too busy for them to even mount. Tadayoshi's cheek still hurts so it's not a surprise when Ryo actually points it out with a lopsided smile.

 

“So, she came to say goodbye, right?” The samurai giggles while weaving between the vehicles and passers-by filling the streets.

 

“Yes. She's quite strong for such a small person...”

 

“The strongest. You'll have to be cautious, my Lord”

 

Ryo is now laughing out loud, holding his stomach with his free hand.

 

“Tadayoshi, I said.”

 

“Alright, _Tadayoshi_. We've arrived at the gate, it's time to get on the horses.”

 

“Ryo?”

 

“Hm?”

 

The samurai turns to him when he's already holding the saddle with his two hands. His eyes are very pure. Black bottomless orbs Tadayoshi now drowns into every time he's close enough.

 

“Did you say goodbye to her?”

 

“No. Goodbyes are for the weak. You should never cry over someone's departure and rather smile when you meet again.” Ryo smiles a beautiful sunny smile and hops onto his horse with ease, already turning his sight towards the road. “Come on, my Lo... Tadayoshi, we still have a long road ahead!”  
  
****************  
  
They have ridden for days already, going further and further into the Japanese countryside, visiting temples and gigantic Buddha statues, sleeping in small inns where the food and the futons were perfect. It's easy to forget everything at the slow pace of the horses along the road when the sun is gently caressing their backs. They are men of a few words and after a few awkward first miles, both of them have comfortably found their place into this adventure, sharing information when needed, and a few jokes from time to time when alcohol is coloring their cheeks pink.

 

Japan is indeed as beautiful as Tadayoshi's mother has told him, and it's way more than that. Yamada-sama's house is gorgeous, the rich fragrance of its wooden floors and beams being its most attractive trait to him, but the countryside is something else. Here, everything feels new, it's like the world has shifted and he's now in another dimension of endless rice fields, towering mountains and rugged coastlines were the ocean hits the rocks in fantastic splashes. The sun is hotter every day and rains are destructive, filling the scorched ground with their miraculous waters. There is both something wild and something sophisticated to this land that he finds more and more every time he looks into Ryo's eyes. Both are innately captivating.

 

The samurai is the perfect personification of his country, beautiful and rude, sometimes savage and some other times seductive. It was a folly to dream that he could have transformed him into an English Lord. Ryo will never be anything else than the epitome of Japan in all its glories and failures. And Tadayoshi does not want him to be anything else.

 

His heart is caught, he knows it. He's falling in love. With the country, with the man. No difference.

 

“There's a lake over there, a beautiful one.” Ryo points out. His forefinger shows a turquoise pool of water a few miles off the road. “'Went there once, would you like to go? We still have time before nightfall.”

 

“Sounds like a good idea,” he answers with the absentminded voice of someone still prisoner of his daydreaming.

 

Their horses turn right almost by themselves, following the unconscious movement of their rider's hips towards the lake. The wood of pines they're going through is providing some welcome shade and the soft rocking of their mounts makes Tadayoshi smile from contentment. He is exactly where he wants to be, right now, following his own path, a path no one has imposed on him. He is just going to take a bath in that beautiful and inviting water and take a nap under the sun, and all will be well.

 

“Look, there's a boat!” Ryo says amusedly, tearing him away from his reverie again.

 

“Nice! Are the oars in it?”

 

Ryo jumps down his horse and walks closer to explore the surroundings of the small wooden pier in front of them.

 

“Yeah, two of them.”

 

“Well, that's perfect. I love boats and I'm actually not that bad at rowing.”

 

“Mmh... I don't know... it might be dangerous, that boat...”

 

“Oh, come on, it looks perfectly fine to me,” Tadayoshi says hoping into the skiff. “The horses are tied to the trees, the sun is still high... At worst, we will just wet our clothes and swim for a few minutes.”

 

The samurai is still standing on the pier, looking at him doubtfully.

 

“At worse...”

 

“Ryo, don't tell me you're afraid of water?!”

 

His tone is unintentionally mocking and he regrets to have said something so insensitive when he sees how his companion's face is changing at his words. The ebony eyes are darkening even more and Ryo's mouth twitches.

 

“I'm not. There's nothing I fear!” The samurai finally says, jumping into the boat.

 

“I'm sorry if I said anything...”

 

“I'm alright. Start rowing and get this done, we still have a few miles to go before our next stop.”

 

The two first rowing movements are sending the skiff jerkily towards the center of the lake and pretty soon, they're floating swiftly and softly on the blue water. The shore is not that far and the water is so tempting that Tadayoshi contemplates the idea to dive right here and go back swimming. But that would leave Ryo alone on the boat. Judging by his fists nervously clenched to the hull, he is not going to enjoy the idea.

 

“Look, it's so beautiful from here, so quiet...”

 

“There's water.”

 

“Yes, we're on a lake, of course, there's wat...”

 

“Inside! There's water inside the boat, we're sinking!”

 

All of a sudden, Tadayoshi feels the crisp water wetting his feet, climbing along his ankles and legs until they're submerged up to the waist. There's no boat anymore under them, only the lake, and Ryo is openly panicking, desperately trying to stay afloat thanks to his gesticulating arms. Water is already in his mouth, in his hair and the fear of drowning is transforming his usually stoic features. Tadayoshi has never seen someone so afraid, so completely prisoner of his fear that his brain has lost all control over his body at the expense of his survival. He swims to the samurai, trying not to get hit by his frantic movements and catches him from behind, embracing the smaller body with his long arms as he whispers soothing words in the other's ear. It's a struggle at first, but slowly the other's exhaustion is winning over his panic and he surrenders his life to Tadayoshi.

 

“Shhhh. Shhhh. It's alright, we're floating. I'm going to bring you back, trust me. Shhh.”

 

It feels like Ryo is a ragdoll in his arms, letting himself be carried in the water, his eyes closed. Only his hands seem to be actually alive, desperately clinging to his savior's forearm. When they finally reach the shore, they both fall on the rocky ground, exhausted.

 

“Told you this boat was crap.” The samurai utters with a croaky voice.

 

“Yes, you were right, I'm so sorry, it...”

 

“I _hate_ boats. Every time I'm boarding one of those floating hells, it sinks. Fuck.”

 

“Sorry, I didn't know about...”

 

“How would you have known? It's not like we've talked much. Open waters are a nightmare for me, I've never learned to swim, I knew this would happen.”

 

“Are you alright? I mean...”

 

“I'm alright. Thanks to you. You saved my life, my Lord.” Ryo says, finally smiling. They're looking at each other and Tadayoshi feels that it's the first time Ryo is letting his guard down since the night they have spent drinking together in Tokyo. He unconsciously reaches for a dark strand of wet black hair stuck over his companion's eyes and softly brushes it away. There is something happening between them right now, a warmth coming from the other he has never perceived before, some kind of bond that makes Ryo accept Tadayoshi's hand resting on his cheek.

 

“I told you to call me Tadayoshi,” he says, letting his lips find Ryo's forehead.

 


	5. Inner War

Ryo has not said a word to him since they have left the lake. They have covered a few miles riding in an awkward silence, Tadayoshi following his companion without even looking at him.

 

Ryo has bluntly pushed him away after the shy kiss he has given him while resting on the shore. Of course, it had to be this way, he is not even surprised. He was a fool, once again, to believe that this kind of reckless action could lead to a smile or a tender response from the other.

 

Now that they have arrived at their inn, a small wooden building with a stony front situated in the middle of a valley, the samurai is negotiating with the owner for them to sleep in separate rooms. The atmosphere is so tense that Tadayoshi is contemplating an early trip back to Yamada-sama's house. In fact, if he has been keeping track of the days right, they are on the 24th and his wedding day is only a week ahead. Which is a week left to decide if he wants to marry Kae and thus remain in Japan, or leave for his own country.

 

His night is filled with awful nightmares in which he sees Ryo drown into a furious sea, the fear of death all over his face and there's nothing Tadayoshi can do to help him, this time. He's just here to watch the other's demise and it breaks his heart in a thousand pieces. Every time, he wakes up screaming and searches blindly for his companion's sleeping body but no one is actually there, he's alone in his room and it is his fault.

 

There is no way things can go right now. He's completely in love with the one person on this earth who is now afraid of him, so utterly in love that he innately fears the separation, and most of all, the other's death.

 

Leaving Japan is not an option anymore, he knows it. He would be unable to live a normal life again that far from Ryo. Marrying Kae seems may be a solution though, as long as the samurai remains by their side. And if he has to live next to a mute man for the twenty years to come, so be it. At least Tadayoshi will know that his love is alive, and well.

 

His father had warned him before dying: nothing good can come out from loving another man, and yet... He feels his heartbeat again for a boy his age, so very different from his first love but a thousand times more precious. This first love that had been swept away with the back of his Lord father's hand and a lot of money distributed to cover up the scandal. This fine young gentleman had been sent away to fight Her Gracious Majesty's wars without a blink, this man he had fleshly loved and tenderly kissed might be dead by now, his beautiful forehead pierced by a bullet in Africa, in South America, anywhere... And here Tadayoshi is, falling in love with a man again, knowing all the terrible consequences his actions could have. Yet, he can't give up, his heart does not allow him to give up. For the other to live peacefully, he is ready to sacrifice himself and marry someone else. And his heart will explode with joy if he, at least once, is granted Ryo's sunny smile again.

 

****************  
  
It's early in the morning, so early that the sun has not fully risen above the horizon. The light is dull, and the landscape he sees from his windows is drowned in a thick fog. There is no point in staying in the futon to have any more awful dreams so Tadayoshi wraps himself in the inn's yukata and walks down the stairs to the hot baths. The early bird catches the worm as they say, and given the hour, he's sure no one else will be there to see him cry and get purified by the thermal waters.

 

When he slides the door of the bathroom open, a puff of steam escapes, blinding him for a second. The pool is wide, decorated with many rocks that are ingeniously arranged to create comfortable alcoves all around. He gets rid of his yukata and enters the water carefully, sighing contently as his body is gradually immersed into the bath. The hotness of the water tickles, burns almost, but it feels perfect on his tired muscles, all over his exhausted body. Every emotion seems to find its rightful place in his mind when he dives for a second, letting his hair and face get wet. When he gets to the surface again, he's not alone anymore.

 

Ryo is a few steps away, standing waist deep in the pool of steaming water and looking straight at him. His hair is wet and the water is running down his chest in thin rivulets. He has obviously been in the bath for a while, judging on the pinkish color of his cheeks. Tadayoshi stands in turn, the other's piercing gaze on his naked skin giving him chills.

 

“Have you been here for long?” He asks, finally, to do something, to _hear_ something, to break the heavy silence that has been lasting too long.

 

“Yeah. I could not sleep.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

“Oh.”

 

They're facing each other and it seems that neither of them can look away, it's like the world around does not exist anymore. The bath is burning now, but Tadayoshi can't move, won't move. He's stuck there, his feet holding him with difficulty on the hot stones, his brain and his heart screaming in unison. All the thoughts of the previous night are coming back to him. Ryo drowning. His first lover. Kae. War. Death. Love. He is about to cry, the other can see it, he knows. He feels lame, useless, stupid.

 

Ryo takes a few steps toward him, slowly, carefully, as if cautious not to scare him. It takes just a few seconds, and very soon he's within reach. Tadayoshi is still paralyzed, held prisoner by his fears, drowning into his own contradictions. The other is so close now that he can feel the bubble of hotness surrounding his slender body colliding with his own, melting together, until Ryo's fingers are on his chest, light and shy, discovering every curve, every valley he can reach. They both look at those exploring hands, fascinated, unconsciously coming closer until they can feel each other's hot skin on theirs.

 

The samurai's forehead falls on Tadayoshi's chest while his hands settle underwater, on the small of his back. He lets it happen, this precious contact, this impulse Ryo may regret later when he'll be back to his senses when the burning hot bath will stop boiling his brain.

 

“I'm so sorry for yesterday...” Ryo whispers, taking a deep breath. “I was so scared.”

 

Finally, Tadayoshi lets his hands find the other's waist. He doesn't know anymore if he is going to scream out of joy or fear but right now, he feels like his dreams were just useless reflections of his own pessimistic mind. Ryo is breathing softly in his arms and he allows himself a soft kiss on the other's wet hair, tentatively.

 

“Don't worry. I'm scared as well. Let's just... Take our time to figure things out.”

 

Ryo sighs and looks up, he's just a few inches from his mouth and there's nothing Tadayoshi wants more at that moment than to kiss those gorgeous lips and let the spell unfurl. His head is spinning but the samurai's dark eyes are his anchor, his lifeline. They are so close that he can feel Ryo's hairs rising under his touch when his lips brush the other's jaw.

 

The door behind them suddenly squeaks while sliding open and Ryo jumps back just when another man enters the baths. He looks at them longer than he should and shrugs before immersing himself in the hot water. The bubble is burst, the samurai is refusing eye contact. He bows, embarrassed, before leaving the room as fast as he can.

 

****************  
  
“Too bad you haven't brought your spirits with you. There are some things I'd like to drown in alcohol right now.” Ryo says, sitting next to him on a natural stony bench overseeing the valley. The sun is up, the temperature already high and Tadayoshi is not sure he wants to have that conversation.

 

“I don't regret anything that happened. Yesterday... or today. It happened for a reason.”

 

“Uh, I've no regret about that either.” Ryo looks at him and smiles. That shiny grin is a thousand times warmer than any hot spring or sunbeam and it makes Tadayoshi answer with a smile as well. “Wow, _my lord_ , that's the first real smile you're giving me. Looks amazing!”

 

They softly laugh together for a moment, looking at the valley in front of them. They can hear the inn's kitchen work behind them, and the growing noise of life spreading through the streets of the village.

 

“So, what is it you want to forget, then?”

 

“The person I've tried to be for years, the brat I'm showing everyone. And a few other things. Important things.”

 

“Such as?”

 

“Are you ready to accept me as I am, truly? Or am I just a fantasy?”

 

“I want to know you as you are. I want to see the naked truth.”

 

“Well, you actually saw it this morning.” The samurai jokes, laughing to give himself some courage. “Do you remember what I told you about my father? Thing is, there is a reason why my dad was a chamberlain and I'm 'just' a guard. Yamada-sama has been keeping me by his side because he liked my father a lot, and because Kae wanted to have me there, by her side. But he would have had all the rights to throw me out of the house.”

 

“Why? Ryo, what happened?”

 

“When I was fourteen, I thought I was invincible. I lived in one of the most beautiful houses in Tokyo, my father was a powerful chamberlain... I thought nothing could stop me. I started stealing small things just for fun because it showed the other boys I was reckless, I feared nothing. Quickly, the small things became bigger stuff that I hid in our house, the place where we have found your green kimono... But people around started noticing. A statue of the nearest shrine, a purse filled with money, the local mayor's katana... They investigated, and it turned out that my friends were not really my friends. They told everyone what I'd done and I got arrested.”

 

“Well, this is the past, there's nothing...”

 

“My dad took his own life because of me. Overwhelmed by the shame of having a thief as a son, he stabbed himself inside our home. My father died and he hated me, full of shame for what I'd done. My mother died a few weeks later because she couldn't stand her husband's absence and her son's disgrace.”

 

He's looking far into the distance, where the turquoise lake is shining under the sun. Tadayoshi doesn't know how to react to that much background, he who believed Ryo was a pretty simple guy. But once again, just like his country, there is way more than meets the eye in him.

 

“That's who I am. The real me. I killed both of them because I was a jerk, a moron who couldn't think one second about the consequences of his actions. Yamada-same has kept me by his side but I can tell you that he does not want me as his son-in-law. My shame is too huge.”

 

“Ryo...”

 

“I just wanted you to know. Because... well, things have changed between you and me.”

 

Tadayoshi reaches for the other's hand, caressing the clenched fingers. He can't say a word. He would like to embrace him, to tell him that another life is possible, that every human being has his own sins to bear in a world so rough that even the purest are eventually corrupted.

 

“My lord?” A small worried voice calls behind them. They turn around, both surprised by the sound. A boy is standing there, a telegram in hand. “Are you Lord Ashton?”

 

“Yes, I am.”

 

“All inns in the region have received a telegram for you. My dad has said I had to give it to you, it's from Tokyo. War has been declared this morning. Our troops will be fighting China pretty soon...,” the boy adds before giving him the crumpled paper.

 

“What does it say?” Ryo asks, looking at the message above his shoulder.

 

“It says that conscription has started. It says that you got picked to fight that war, … and that we have to go back to Tokyo so you can leave with your regiment in three days...”

 

Tadayoshi lets the message fly away from his hand, like a white bird taking flight above the shining valley. His heart breaks, looking at Ryo's puzzled face.

 

“There's still time, Ryo, we could flee, we could go to England and there you would be safe and...”

 

He is crying already because the determination in Ryo's eyes is telling another story. Tadayoshi feels the mountain crumble under his feet. His companion is already looking at their horses, he is not paying attention anymore.

 

“No. We have to go. It's my chance to redeem myself, to become someone worth Yamada-sama's trust, worth your consideration.”

 

“No! You're going to die! I've seen it in my dreams, I can't...”

 

But Ryo is already slipping away from his embrace, almost running to the horses in order to leave. So Tadayoshi runs behind the person he's fallen in love with, madly, desperately, to be able to grasp one last moment of happiness before war robs him of everything that counts.

 


	6. Powerful Anger, Tender Love

The road to Tokyo is eerily quiet. Ryo tries from time to time to steal a smile from his companion. He's noticed how affected by his decision is the other. At the fast pace of their horses, the walls of the capital are in sight in less than a complete day of riding. Battalions are manoeuvering in the dust below the fortifications, ready to leave for the coastline. It's a loud and impressive show, those hundreds of thousands of men moving all at once to form perfect lines under the scorching sun of July.

“There are enough men to send to the slaughter, you obviously don't need to go.” Tadayoshi points out, making use of the sarcasm he has inherited from his father's ancestors.

Ryo just stares at the battalions with curiosity and shrugs.

“War is a thing of honor. My country, _your_ country, needs me.”

“War is awful. Stupid. We shouldn't take pride in killing other human beings.”

The samurai turns to face him, deeply thinking about his arguments. It's a terrible time for such thoughts but Tadayoshi can't help finding him awfully cute with his furrowed brows and serious pout.

“What if... Listen, what if... my destiny is to kill one important Chinese decision maker and doing so, the whole war comes to a stop and thousands of lives are saved? What if this single act saves our country?”

“You have said it twice.”

“What?”

“That Japan is my country. Do you really think so?”

Ryo stops his horse and waits for Tadayoshi's to join him. He then reaches for his companion's hand, and after checking no one is close enough to see, brings it to his lips. His mouth is soft and warm, so vibrant against the back of his hand that Tadayoshi closes his eyes and sighs.

“Of course. This is your country, as well as mine. And if you ever doubt about that, just remember that you are living in the heart of a samurai....”

The young man's cheeks turn pink as he says those words, and Tadayoshi feels like he is going to cry because of what he has just heard. He would have loved to record that sentence on the wax cylinders phonographs which are the latest trend in London. So he could listen to it over and over and Ryo's voice would survive this day, the war and life itself.

“Ryo... I...”

“We have to go, my lord. They're waiting for us.”

The samurai's horse jumps forward and suddenly he's gone, him, his scent and the incredible softness of his eyes. It already feels like a farewell to Tadayoshi, the silhouette of his companion vanishing in the cloud of dust his mount's gallop is raising.

****************

When they arrive at Yamada-sama's estate and ride through the gates, every single person in the house is already waiting for them. The master of the place, his beloved daughter Kae and every stable boy and housemaid they could find are there standing under the porch to cheer on Ryo. Kae runs to him as soon as he is off the saddle and hugs the frail silhouette as if he had already been at war and was a hero.

When she lays a kiss on his dusty and tanned cheek, Tadayoshi discreetly leaves the scene to go cry by himself in his room. No one has even thrown a glance at him, and that is for the better because he feels a tremendous anger growing in his gut. Anger against all those people and their culture glorifying combat when all he hoped to see here was beauty and peace. Anger against all these people who deliberately want to send Ryo away, to put him in danger, to separate them.

****************

Now that the sun has set, that the darkness has fallen upon the house and that the loud partying voices have finally receded, Tadayoshi is still crying on his futon. He appreciates the silence that slowly takes over the house as if eventually the folly had lead to a more serious time of contemplation. No one has come to him, it's like he has been forgotten in the frenzy of the recent events.

Who is he, after all?

He may never see Ryo again, so he keeps repeating inside his head the last words the other has said to him. And the back of his hand still burns were the other's lips have tenderly left a kiss. He feels empty, exhausted. Tomorrow, he'll pack and leave, for good. He'll go back to England and marry anyone who will not remind him of Ryo. He'll be an English lord and this whole fantasy of becoming one with Japan will slowly v by the vanish in the daily routine. Or so he hopes.

****************  
  
“... yoshi...”

There's a scratching noise at his door that wakes him up. It may be very late, he can't tell. The oil lamps in his room are still burning so he might have slept only an hour or two. The scratching noise starts again, almost loud in the silence of the night.

“Tadayoshi, please, open the door...”

It's Ryo's voice that he can hear, a small and frightened little voice muffled by the thick wooden panel. He gets up and unlocks the door. Ryo is standing behind, in the dark, his eyes shining with tears.

“Oh, thank god, I thought you were gone...” he says, throwing himself against Tadayoshi's large chest. “You were not here at dinner and... Do you hate me?”

“What? No... Actually, it's...” Someone is walking closer on the nightingale floors so he takes a step back, pulling Ryo with him until they're in his room, the door closed. The samurai's hands are clenching his shirt, already wet with tears. “Hey... Ryo... calm down, all is well, I'm here. What happened?”

“They... They've enlisted me in the Navy, as a seaman... Yamada-sama suggested this to an admiral he knows because he thought I could prove useful there. They say our new fleet is the future of war, that it's an honor for me. I... I am going to die. I can't be on a boat, I...”

It's suddenly like Tadayoshi's nightmares are becoming real. He sees again Ryo drowning before his eyes and he stares, it's impossible for him to move, to help. The other's lips are turning blue, his eyes are glassy as he desperately tries to reach for Tadayoshi's hand.

He could cry, scream and throw insults at the world and whoever has pre-written their lives for them but the samurai feels so weak in his arms, trembling with fear, that instead, he hugs him tighter, whispering soothing words in his hair.

“You will not die, you hear me? Never.”

“That's why, you know, you were not here, I couldn't... What if I never saw you again? What if I died before telling you...”

“Telling me what?”

They're now looking into each other's eyes, red, swollen eyes. Time stops for a while as Ryo tries to convey his message through the incredible darkness of his ebony orbs. But it's not enough, it's not clear, so he leans in and lets his lips find Tadayoshi's.

It's a very chaste kiss, something the English lord wouldn't have expected from a seasoned man like Ryo, but it still feels like the world is now his.

They break the embrace for a second and Tadayoshi wants more, he craves for contact and for the lively warmth of the other. So he claims Ryo's mouth a second time, a lot more zealous, letting his tongue roam on his lover's lower lip, begging for entrance and more passion. It's eagerly given to him and in the matter of a second Ryo is pushed against the nearest wall, moaning into their kiss. When they part, they are both out of breath and smiling. Forgotten, all the tears and the fears that were ripping their hearts apart minutes ago. They are now only thinking about the other, their world shrinking to the sensation of their skins touching.

“What did you do to me?...” Ryo asks, still searching for air.

“What?” Tadayoshi asks, burying his nose under Ryo's jawline, where his delicious scent is nested. He kisses his way down the samurai's neck as the latter turns his head to grant him better access.

“What did... you... do to me?? Before I met you...,” he moans hoarsely when Tadayoshi interrupts his thoughts by slightly biting the crook of his neck. “I only dreamed of Kae... I never thought a man could desire another man and... oh... and suddenly you were here with your perfect face and your desirable everything and... I've wanted you so much, like a forbidden fruit, out of reach on the dinner table. Delicious, fascinating but so far... You changed me in one glance. One movement of your hand...”

“Did I?” Tadayoshi answers, obviously very proud of the effects of his ministrations on his lover. He leans in again and rewards Ryo with a languorous kiss, letting his hands find the slender muscles, still partly hidden under a kimono.

“Tadayoshi... Listen. I couldn't leave without seeing you tonight. I had to tell you. I... I've kept myself pure for Kae, all these years, I've refused all the girls who liked me because I wanted to give myself wholly to the person I loved. Tonight, I'm giving myself to you. Cause you are that person.”

“Ryo... Are you sure?”

There is pride in the samurai's eyes, a pride that has killed all the sadness. He is smiling, widely, and his smile has never been so beautiful. Tadayoshi's heart is about to jump out of his chest, he can't control the frenetic heartbeats that makes him dizzy. How could he think of running away without seeing Ryo one last time? When all he would have found on his way was loneliness and pain...

Right now, his lover is warm and alive in his arms, letting his gorgeous mouth follow the line of his Adam apple, fitting so perfectly against his own frame that he believes they were made to be together, to embrace each other.

“I've never been that certain of something, _my lord_. Don't let me go like this... Please.”

It's a dream coming true for Tadayoshi who suddenly takes a step back to realize, to think it through, even if it's a minute, a second. The fierce warrior he has met on his very first moments in Japan, the man that he has fought and wounded, with whom he has shared meals and jokes, whose life he has accidentally saved... This man is offering himself to him, without any hesitation, without a question. This man is looking at him as if he were a king and Tadayoshi has never seen such adoration in someone else's eyes. How come all this has changed so suddenly?

Weren't they made to be strangers, enemies?

 

He's dizzy, it overwhelms him, all these contradictory emotions. What if he gives Ryo what he wants tonight and never sees him again? Wouldn't it be better for them both to call it a day right now?

 

His brain is working faster than the heavy pounding of his heart that is tearing his chest apart. But Ryo is faster, his mind seems to be crystal clear as he starts removing the thick layers of his brown garb and slowly comes out naked of the protective cocoon of clothes before Tadayoshi's eyes. His skin is glistening in the oil lamps' flames light, that the mere breeze blowing from under the sculpted doors is making move. It's a stunning shadow show that unfolds on the thin but muscular body of the young man as he walks to his lover. Tadayoshi is fascinated, unable to speak before that much beauty genuinely offered to his eyes and his caressing hands. Before he knows it, the other is buried in his embrace, receiving kisses and touches with appreciative moans.

 

"Make a man of me, please. Love me tonight so I can die knowing what it is to be loved." Ryo whispers in his ear.

 

Tadayoshi shivers and lets his hands lose themselves in Ryo's hair, undoing the leather cord holding the samurai's mane into a messy bun. His thick and luscious bangs fall almost to his shoulders, as dark as his eyes.

 

"It's beautiful..." Tadayoshi says, brushing it back and making his lover purr under his touch. "Are they going to cut it?"

 

"Yeah... Shave it even. I'll look terrible, I don't want you to see me like this..."

 

They kiss again, languorously, as the samurai starts working on Tadayoshi's western clothes. He struggles for a while with all the buttons as they share a good laugh about it.

 

"Why on earth did you put these on again??" he chuckles when he finally manages to get rid of his lover's pants, fumbling one last time with the heavy linen. "You're much more beautiful without all this. Stunning."

 

That makes Tadayoshi blush hard. Thankfully the light is low and the other is kissing and licking every spot of his chest that he can reach. It's a torture than to stay still so he takes the thin body in his arms and easily lifts him, before carrying Ryo to the futon he was crying on only a few minutes before. He softly lays his lover down on the thick mattress, kissing and biting everywhere he wants to leave his mark. The other's hands are roaming on his back, clenching every small bulge of flesh he finds, thus rewarding his lover for every kiss, every shallow thrust that makes their hips meet. It's like they're melting into each other as their breaths are already short and whistling just by grinding their bodies filled with desire together.

 

"Ryo... Sorry to ask again but... Are you sure...?"

 

"Just stop asking. I'm yours."

 

"Is it... The first... time?"

 

"Yes. And it's obviously not yours..." Ryo says with a lopsided smile. He lightly puts his caressing hand on Tadayoshi's jaw and is rewarded for his insight by a kiss on the palm. He then lets his fingers travel low, very low until he dares to take hold of his lover's erection. His long hand strokes it gently, making Tadayoshi loudly moan against his shoulder.

 

"Stop... Don't... I don't want to come now... I..."

 

Ryo releases his hold on the other with a proud chuckle.

 

"Alright, _my Lord_. But do something now or the free spirit that I am might get bored..."

 

"You are impatient and cocky, young man..." Tadayoshi laughs against the other's skin, traveling down his chest with kisses until his mouth is exploring the inside of Ryo's thighs. The samurai's hands are already looking for an anchor, for something that would help him to keep his sanity through what he knows is coming. He may not have practiced any kind of sexual embrace before but he's not deaf, and boys tend to vent when they finally get under a girl's kimono. So he grabs the nearest pillow with one hand, just in time for his lover's mouth to graze the tip of his hard length. Tadayoshi is so focused on giving him pleasure with the ministrations of his tongue and the delicate scrapping of his teeth on the sensitive flesh that he almost misses the glorious moan Ryo lets loose, giving way to a heavy panting. The samurai's body is tense, hard and jolting at every movement of his lover and it feels like heaven to be able to experience such abandon and such passion when heart and mind are meeting when they finally agree on who they have decided to cherish until death.

 

"Ta... Tadayoshi... I..."

 

"No way... You're coming inside of me tonight..." the young man murmurs on his mate's flat stomach, taking just a second to appreciate the effect of his words on him. Ryo's eyes are shining, he trembles slightly and breathes deeply looking at his lover straddling him. There's a moment of stillness in the room, a moment of thick emotion in which Ryo whispers just a word, ' _wait_ ' before he manages to move his hands and lovingly rest them on Tadayoshi's thighs. He leans up to meet the other's abused lips one last time and lays there the softest kiss he can manage.

 

It's like he has approved of everything all at once with this simple kiss and when his lover sits down on him, slowly, gradually, he throws his head back in pleasure, unable to resist the sensations assaulting him. Tadayoshi's fingers are blindly finding his lover's, still resting on his thighs, as he tries to adjust to Ryo's thickness, to the overwhelming emotion unfolding in his gut. Never has it felt that good and fulfilling to yield to his desires, even when for the first time he had given himself to a lover. Thinking about that person feels like cheating right now and oddly makes his heart ache so he puts his image at the back of his head, locked into the treasure chest of his memory, where all the ghosts of his life are finding peace. The place where Ryo might find his place one day if he does not survive the war.

 

But for now, his lover is thrusting up under him, caught in the moment, moaning and telling him how much he loves him, how he is his, forever. Ryo suddenly shakes hard, his nails digging in the back of Tadayoshi's hand and with one long howling cry he comes, shaken by tremors of an orgasm he experiences for the first time.

 

Tadayoshi gently moves off him, lying down on the futon next to his spent lover, still relishing the violence of his pleasure. He marvels in the beauty of the samurai's tanned skin, touching here and there until he finds the scar he has himself caused weeks ago. He kisses it and asks, whispering:

 

"Does it still hurt?"

 

"Sometimes. When you're far away from me." Ryo answers with a voice still croaky and weak. "Tadayoshi... How about you?"

 

"I'm alright, my love..."

 

"No, you're not, obviously."

 

Despite his worn out face and body, Ryo still moves and slides his hand along his lover's sweaty side until his fingers find what he's looking for, rewarded by a sensual moan that sends shivers through his spine. He firmly takes his lover in his hand and starts over where the other has asked him to stop earlier. Tadayoshi lets delighted whimpers escape his lips, whimpers that are transforming into shaky moans as his lover's hand gets bolder.

 

They kiss, depriving themselves of air for a long and passionate make out until he comes all over the other's palm, finally vanquished by lust.

 

"I love you" Ryo whispers to him as their legs intertwine. "Please wait for me. I'll do my best and next time we meet, we'll become one, forever..."

 

Tadayoshi would like to speak and tell the other not to leave, to selfishly persuade him to remain by his side, but the horse ride, all the anger, and all the love have left him exhausted. His eyes are closing, he knows that tomorrow morning Ryo will be gone but his body irresistibly gives in to slumber, surrounded by his lover's loving arms.

 

 


	7. The Power of Words

 

“ _8_ _th_ _month, 20_ _th_ _day, 27_ _th_ _year_

 

_My Love,_

 

_I feel so guilty to have left your bed when you were still sleeping. But if you had said just a word to me that morning, if I had seen your smile and your beautiful eyes, I would have stayed in your arms forever. You know that I need to redeem myself. I need my parents in heaven to see me do something worth their love. So I just watched you sleep for a while and left just before dawn._

 

_Please do not hate me for this._

 

_Because I love you._

 

_We have walked for hours before arriving at our camp. Here, there are only young boys, as clueless as I am about all this. We train all day, they've put a gun in my hands, can you imagine? It's heavier than my sword, it's a cheater's weapon that blindly kills from afar. I hate guns. Our ship is waiting at the pier right before our eyes, it's a thing of beauty but every time I look at it, I remember how unlucky I am with anything that floats and I'm scared. We're embarking tomorrow so we were given a few hours of rest before leaving for the battlegrounds. A moment alone, finally, so I could write this letter._

 

_All those boys here, they have a portrait of their girls, a photograph or a piece of kimono that they keep in their uniform's inside pocket, sewn against their heart. I've nothing of you, except for the memory of your lips on my skin, so hot, so soft. A memory that is fading away more and more every hour lived without you by my side._

 

_My scar is burning, it hurts. I never thought I could miss you that much, my lord._

 

_Yesterday, we were bathing at the river and a guy asked who gave this scar to me. I said that the person I love did that and that I'm grateful for it, every time I feel the pain. He frowned and told me that I was weird to love such a dangerous girl. It made me laugh, you know. And it still does, while I'm writing this because I know you must be making faces and I can't help but think that you must look awfully cute. I can't help but think of the kiss I'd give you if I were by your side._

 

_I'd like to hear from you, if you still love me, if I'm not already forgotten._

 

_Ryo.”_

 

Tadayoshi lets his hand open and the letter silently glides in the thick air of his room, before falling on the futon. It's at least the tenth time he reads it, and every single reading has him in tears. He remembers that morning, three weeks ago, when he has felt Ryo move in his bed when instead of opening his eyes and getting a chance to say goodbye, he'd kept them closed, relishing the sensation of the loving kiss the other had left on his temple. He had not been brave enough, then. And now, Ryo thinks he resents him. The man he loves, who is now facing his greatest fears at sea, is not sure of his love.

 

He takes a paper and ink, sitting in front of the low table he usually uses to eat, and writes, writes slowly every character that he knows, every Japanese word able to convey his feelings. And when it's too difficult, he writes it in English, certain that despite the language barrier Ryo will understand. Before sealing the letter, he puts a photograph of himself taken months ago in his English estate. It will have to do, and even if he knows that Ryo will not show it around, at least he can stitch it to the lining of his uniform. Right upon his heart.

 

Tadayoshi finally seals the letter and addresses it to the farthest port in Japan, hoping for the letter to find its recipient before it's too late.  
  
****************  
  
It's still very hot at this time of the year. The winds have started to blow in furious storms that shake the houses and the land, leaving nothing behind them but desolation. Tadayoshi rides every day next to Yamada-sama through the devastated villages around Tokyo. The rich benefactor is appreciated everywhere, giving lots of wood and stones from his own barns to help rebuild the houses. They're welcomed by cheering crowds and sometimes children run to Tadayoshi, pulling on his shirt until he kneels in the dirt and gives them candy. They look surprised when they see the reddish tint of his hair gleaming in the sun, and are sometimes bold enough to touch his chestnut mane before running away with a scream.

 

“They like you, those boys.” Yamada-sama chuckles.

 

“They think I'm strange... right?”

 

“They have never seen a foreigner. Even if you're half Japanese, it shows. Come with me, Son. I have something to tell you.”

 

They walk for a while in silence, until they are far from any prying ears, and sit on the bank of a small man-made canal.

 

“Tadayoshi... I have to leave as well.”

 

“What?”

 

“Friends of mine, at the government, have asked me to go to war and take command of a ship. The battles are going well, we're outpowering the Chinese, but lately, a key admiral of ours died and they need me on the front.”

 

“But... How are we...”

 

“Listen, Son. After the war was declared, after Ryo left us, we were not in the mood to celebrate your wedding, and I'm sorry about that. It will have to wait again. We will celebrate when we'll both be back.”

 

Tadayoshi slightly shrugs, discreetly enough for Yamada-sama to miss it. He is so glad he's not married to Kae yet, he wouldn't know how to deal with her, who never looks at him, never speaks to him. He wouldn't know how to explain to her that he can't be a husband, that his heart is not and will never be hers.

 

Anything that can delay the ceremony is good news but this... What if Yamada-sama got killed?

 

“If anything happens to me though... You have to promise me you will marry my daughter and be my heir. I need someone clever like you to inherit my possessions. Someone that I trust.”

 

There is a lot at stake suddenly, shredding their peaceful afternoon in pieces. The only way all this could end as he wants to would be for Ryo and Yamada-sama to come back unscathed from the battlefront. Then he would be able to honestly explain everything or run away to England with Ryo. But if anything happens to one of them... Birds are suddenly taking flight next to them, making him jolt.

 

“First, You have to promise me nothing will happen to you, Yamada-sama. I've already lost a father...” He answers, a thick lump of emotions blocking his throat. It's such a white lie, to praise the old Japanese man like this. Tadayoshi is not ready to tell the truth, even less to promise something as big as what the other is asking.

 

“I promise you, Son. I promise.” The man says, smiling. He looks happy to hear that he is considered as a father by this young person he likes so much.

 

Tadayoshi's heart hurt a little. Despite everything that has happened he is coming to the realization that he is weirdly attached to the old man. Not as a father, but if anything happens to him, he knows that his own world will crumble down.

 

************  
  
“ _9_ _th_ _month, 11_ _th_ _day, 27_ _th_ _year_

 

_My Love,_

 

_You can't even imagine how relieved I was to receive a letter from you. A letter with all those beautiful words... I was never one to be seduced by the words, you know me... But they're from you. You took the time to write them, just for me and every single character felt like a kiss on my deprived skin._

 

_Your picture is against my heart, all the time. I didn't know how to attach it so I asked for help to my friend. Yes, I've made a friend here, a very sweet, tall boy. He knows about us, I told him everything one night we were quite drunk. I showed him your picture and for a split second I became afraid, I thought he would laugh or say something very wrong about our love. He just said that I am lucky, that you are a beautiful man._

 

_His name is Maruyama, and if anything happens to me, he is the one who will write to you._

 

_Every day we are risking our lives here. I don't want to sweeten it for you, so here's the truth: We're on this damn boat every single minute of our lives, shaken by the typhoons, attacked by the Chinese, seasick and famished. We're stronger, so we will win the war but I don't know if I can make it until the very end. Maru saved my life last week, he pulled me from under a pile of debris after an attack, I couldn't breathe, the world had turned white and all I could hear was your voice telling me I shouldn't have joined. Telling me we should have run away. I know you were right. I'm not going to be a Hero, I'm not going to kill any important Chinese decision-maker. I'm just cannon fodder, we all are._

 

_I've got two new scars now. They hurt._

 

_I saw that Yamada-sama has joined our ranks as well, but I couldn't get to speak to him. The gossip among his soldiers has it that his daughter is now married to an English Lord and pregnant. They're talking about it all the time, they're jealous that such a rumored beauty had to marry a foreigner. I say nothing about who I am, about you two... I won't believe it. I trust you. I love you. Don't forget me._

 

_Sometimes, at night, when it's quiet on our ship, I sit outside, under the dark dome of the night and I think of you. I feel your hands on me and your mouth running along my chest. I shake. I'm jealous. I cry._

 

_God, don't let it be true._

 

_Please, wait for me._

 

_Ryo.”_

 

_****************_

 

“Whose letter is that?” Kae says trying to snatch the crumpled paper from Tadayoshi's hands.

 

It's a wasted effort as he folds the letter and shoves it in his jacket's pocket at a remarkable speed. She frowns in displeasure but proceeds to sit next to him on the bench.

 

“How old are you? Eight? Only mean little girls are behaving like this...” He lets out, conscious of the cruelty of his words.

 

“No one's writing to me... Even my dad... nothing since he's left. Ryo hasn't written either, he may be dead for all I know.”

 

“He's alive.”

 

“The letter... Is it from him? Let me see, please...”

 

There is something both childish and endearing in her voice, something that almost leads Tadayoshi to tell the truth and give her the letter to read. Like Ryo has told his soldier friend. But she is not that Maruyama guy, she's not sweet and unbiased. But most of all, she is his fiancee and she is in love with Ryo. It could go very wrong.

 

“No. It's from a friend... Who's seen him recently. He is alright. Don't worry.”

 

“Of course, I'm worried. Ryo is like my brother. We grew up together.”

 

“Your brother? Really?”

 

Tadayoshi can't help but snicker at her words.

 

“Brother... Lover... He could have been both. My heart has hesitated a lot. Are you jealous, Tadayoshi? Your future wife still in love with her foster brother?”

 

“Well...”

 

“It's not him you should be jealous of, though...” She murmurs, looking down at the beautiful fabric of her kimono.

 

“What did you say?”

 

She stands and starts walking away, her head still down.

 

“Kae?! Why did you just say that?”

 

The wind has started howling again, beautifully playing with her silk robe and her hair, creating a tornado of softness around her body when she turns to him, crying.

 

“I'm not a virgin anymore, Tadayoshi. I'm pregnant. And I'm so scared...” Kae answers heartbreakingly sobbing, before falling to her knees in front of him.

 


	8. The Seeds of Fate

 

“So... Do you love her?”

 

The young man in front of Tadayoshi looks down at his hands. His cheeks are turning quite red, the red every manly man of the countryside sports when questioned about feelings. At least in this Japan and England are not different, he thinks, slightly amused by the effect he has on the other man.

 

“Yes my Lord.” The man manages to utter, with the smallest voice.

 

“Would you die for her?”

 

“... What? I...”

 

“I repeat. Do you love her enough to give your life for her?”

 

“... I guess... yes. Yes, my lord.”

 

The young sharecropper fiddles the hem of his sky blue hakama, looking lost and very frightened by the trial he is put through. He sits in front of Kae and Tadayoshi, his long dark bangs barely hiding a handsome face and a sturdy nose.

 

“Tadayoshi... You're going too far.” Kae whispers, sitting at his side. She's drawn to the other, to the small and muscular guy Tadayoshi faces. She wants to protect him.

 

“And... How long have you been... You two...”

 

He can't say the words. He is not jealous, no. He feels a little awestruck, discovering that the woman he is supposed to wed has a lover, a lover who is one of her father's sharecropper, a lover who got her pregnant when the situation was already painfully uncomfortable. But most of all, he is afraid. Afraid of the rumor, afraid of the very existence of this illegitimate child that may hold him back here, and make him a husband and a father by obligation.

 

“We met in June. You and Ryo had left for your trip and I felt lonely. I was visiting our countryside estate with Father and... our eyes met. I don't know what happened, it's wicked how suddenly Ryo, you, all the other men looked unappealing to me.”

 

“You're always being so nice to me, Kae, really...” He mutters, half-hurt, half-amused by the smug smile spreading on the other man's face. Tadayoshi turns to him. “And what's your name?”

 

“Yasuda, my Lord.” The other answers, bowing so deeply that his forehead touches the soft tatami they are sitting on. “...Yasuda Shota.”

 

“Alright, Yasuda-kun. First of all, I'm not pleased. As you have guessed – and I trust she already told you that - there's no love whatsoever between me and Kae, it's painfully obvious. But the thing is... Her father, Yamada-sama, wants me very much as his son-in-law. Our families have been friends since ages and Kae and I have been betrothed since we were born, basically. So, tell me, how am I going to tell her father that she is pregnant? How am I going to explain that, given that we're not married yet, given that we have to wait for him to return from the front to be husband and wife? Do you realize how complicated this is getting?”

 

“With all due respect, Sir, I'm not going to let her marry you if she does not want to. She's the one I love and she is bearing _my child_. I won't give up on them.”

 

Yasuda is now intently looking into Tadayoshi's eyes, starting a battle of stares that he clearly intends to win.

 

“I must admit that at least you're taking responsibility for your acts, and I like that in a man...” Tadayoshi answers, completely at a loss. “... Maybe it's about time I'd do the same.” He says under his breath, trying to forget the surprised look of both Kae and her lover on him.

 

“Tadayoshi, what's the matter?” Kae asks, gently for once. “If there is something you have to say, now is the time. We're all sharing secrets, now. We can accept to hear about more.”

 

“I'm in love, Kae,” he spits out. Tadayoshi takes a deep breath. Should he confess now, when this guy he barely knows is listening to them? The weight of the secret is crushing his chest, the unsolvable problems are ripping his heart in pieces. All of a sudden, he'd like to erase the last months, put white paint on them and go back to his old self. Re-write his adventure in Japan. It lasts just for a second, though, this state of confusion, of regret. In his head, Ryo appears, smiling and holding his hand under the lacy tablecloth of a London Teahouse. It's so vivid, this vision, so fleshly that he can feel his lover's calloused hand over his own and shivers. “... I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be loving. It will be hard, unforgiving love but it's too late. My heart has chosen, it's him, no one else. Kae, you and I are going to have to fight for what we want.”

 

“I know, Tadayoshi. Somehow, I've always known. You two were meant to be. That's why I was so bitter... I was jealous.”

 

She slowly comes close to him and embraces his trembling shoulders with her arms under Yasuda's puzzled look. It feels good, that surprising and sudden empathy coming from her. So Tadayoshi gives in to the moment and rests his head on her shoulder.

 

“Together, all of us, we will find a way. I promise.” She says, reaching at her lover's hand with confidence.

 

 

****************  
  
“

_9 th month, 15th day, 27th year, _

 

_My Love,_

 

_I'm so sorry to be the one bringing you the awful news. Maybe you'll know before that letter reaches you but I couldn't ignore it. My heart is broken in a way I didn't think was possible. Yamada-sama died this morning on the battlefield. The ship under his command has sunk during a Chinese attack. There is only debris floating around our hull, iron, wood, and flesh as far as the eye can see. We're pulling bodies up every minute, it's a slaughter. I'm very lost. I' m selfishly glad that it was not my ship that got hit. I'm so glad I'm not floating down there amongst all the dead, I'm so glad Maru has not to write this awful letter telling you how I died._

 

_I think about Kae and her pain. I think that maybe, now, we're free to love each other and the following second I know that it is not that simple. That you now have to marry her. Because that is the kind of man you are, a decent and responsible man._

_I'm tired of crying._

_I feel like I've lost my father for a second time as well as the man I love today._

 

_Ryo.”_

 

There is a sudden commotion around Tadayoshi, people running on the nightingale floors, screams, and cries. It sounds like the whole world is shrinking on the house, cracking and squeaking.

 

Yamada-sama's orderly has brought the news, he knows it. Both messages have arrived simultaneously and Kae has just learned about her father's death. He runs, runs to the stateroom, ignoring the desperate looks and the cries of the whole household until he sees the small group of disheveled soldiers embarrassedly standing in front of Kae. She may be re-reading the letter for the twentieth time, blindly searching for support with her left arm. Tadayoshi is by her side just in time to keep her from falling to the floor, screaming.

 

She feels like a tiny, sick little bird in his arms as she cries and howls her pain out. He is crying, too, his face buried in her gorgeous black hair, crying for the old man who has just died, crying for what this death means to them. They are not free to choose anymore. He can't leave Kae by herself, he can't let her marry Yasuda. Yamada-sama's will was very clear. If they're not married by the end of the month, she will lose everything her father has built. The rumor of her pregnancy will spread and she will live shamefully, like an abandoned orphan.

 

He has to remain by her side. Ryo sees him as a decent and responsible man, so what if he abandons his lover's foster sister now? Will Ryo ever forgive him after such treason?

 

A chill shakes him hard. It's like they have been embraced on the floor for hours. Tadayoshi gently kisses Kae's hair. She has stopped trembling, too tired to do more than softly cry against his chest.

 

“I won't let you down, Kae,” he whispers, “I'll be your husband, I'll protect you.”

 

The sun sets, bitten by the teeth of the jagged mountain range they can see from the house, devoured by the earth. The world seems to be at peace, oblivious of the hearts it has ripped in pieces today. The soldiers are long gone, the silence has fallen over the place as every human being who knew Yamada-sama is mourning.

 

****************  
_“_

_9_ _th_ _month, 22_ _nd_ _day, 27_ _th_ _year_

 

_My love,_

 

_Tomorrow, I will be a married man._

 

_I can't leave her alone after what happened. I have to do it, I hope that you understand._

 

_I love you, and only you. No words can describe how much I belong to you, body and soul. I often dream that we are both in London, sitting at the table of a restaurant and you take my hand. You smile. Everything is beautiful and soft, perfect, in that dream. But the reality is not a fantasy. It's the essence of reality to be rough, hurting and unfair._

 

_Kae will be my wife, by obligation. I promise nothing will ever happen between us. Will you believe me? Do you trust me?_

 

_Please, my Love, please be back soon, unscathed and loving. I'm so scared. Please don't give up on me, because my heart will always be yours._

 

_Tadayoshi.”_

 

****************  


It's dawn, the light slowly comes up, grazing the sheets with its warm touch. Tadayoshi hasn't slept, again. Today is the day he fulfills his father's will, the lifelong dream of his parents. Today is the day he gives his life to somebody he does not love nor desires.

 

His eyes close, finally, as if the peace of dawn has vanquished the scary night and Tadayoshi allows himself to dream. Ryo is here, with him, under the white sheets and he is smiling. His chest is marked with scars but it does not hurt him, he's well and warm, alive against Tadayoshi's body. “ _Good morning, Love_ ,” he says, and they kiss, softly laughing, playfully caressing each other's skins. Then they make love, slowly, savoring every touch, every shiver of pleasure running along their veins. When they surrender to ecstasy, it's together, their hands searching for each other's face, their mouths joining for a glorious kiss that has the taste of eternity. Ryo nuzzles his neck and sighs with relief.

 

“I'm so glad I could see you in my dreams before I die. I'm dying, Tadayoshi. And you are not here, with me.” Ryo says, his voice coming from a thousand miles away. Tadayoshi tries to embrace his frail body tighter, to keep him on his heart but nothing is here anymore. Nothing is left of his lover but the faint echo of his last words.

 

_I'm dying. You are not here with me._

 

Tadayoshi wakes up with a scream to an empty bed. He has cried all over the pillow and his body is drenched in sweat. The sun is already high, it's time for him to get up and walk to his fate.

 


	9. Reunion in Kobe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: graphic description of wounds, mention of blood, dark thoughts.  
> Not the easiest chapter to write tbh, hence the shameful delay... I hope you will still enjoy reading that story!

Of all the things Tadayoshi had fantasized about living in Japan, his wedding ceremony and the few first days of his marriage had been, by far, the most disappointing.

 

When he had seen his bride enter the room, he had welcomed her with the gloomiest fake smile one had ever seen on such day. She did not seem the happiest either, trying her best not to trip onto the heavy and constraining fabrics of a beautiful black and red kimono her father had bought for her, especially for that day. She could still hide her protruding belly under the thick golden obi tied around her waist but everyone could see how she often brought her right hand to it as if soothing with a motherly gesture the pain of being restrained into such ceremony garments.

 

The following days had just been a show for the whole world to enjoy: they had slept in the same room – not in the same bed, she had requested – and shown to their guests the smiles and the touches a young and happy couple ought to display.

 

Soon, they decided together that Kae would finally reveal her condition to everyone. Her pregnancy could not be a secret anymore as her belly grew beautifully every day and the roundness of her breasts screamed to the world that she was changing into a mother. And if the rumor spread that they had conceived that child way before they had actually been married, it would still sound better than the naked truth.

 

Yasuda had been named Chamberlain of the house a few hours after their wedding ceremony, and the nights were not rare when Tadayoshi had discreetly left his married man's bedroom to leave the lovebirds together for an hour or two.

 

Such nights had been the worst, his pain making him delirious sometimes, intoxicated by the visions and the fear of letting Ryo die by himself.

 

****************

 

The letters have stopped since the horrifyingly vivid dream Tadayoshi has had the night before his wedding. His heart is slowly breaking, his mind is shattering, piece by piece, thinking about his life and how everything has gone south since that blessed day at the onsen when Ryo had walked to him and let himself be tamed.

 

He is sitting on the threshold of his house – it's his, now, by right of marriage, but he feels like the ghosts who inhabit it are the real owners of the place -, watching his household cleaning the front yard. It has started to grow colder recently and the scorching sun he has known until now in Japan has become paler and softer with the passing weeks. Maple trees are now displaying their most beautiful red leaves and the afternoon ends too soon, leaving the world in the dark for too long. And god knows Tadayoshi now hates the dark, assaulted as he is by nightmares about Ryo dying on the battlefield, crying for him to come, for his mother to come close his eyes before he leaves for another world.

 

He is so busy exploring his own desperation that he does not notice the postman entering the yard to give Kae the daily mail. She goes through a few small notes coming from their various properties in the country, smiles at Yasuda who's passing by and suddenly freezes. She's holding a small envelope, dirtied with blood. Her hand is trembling while she slowly opens it, extracting the letter with closed eyes to delay the moment she will come to know what is written on it.

 

“Tadayoshi!” She screams before falling to her knees on the front yard's gravel. He is pulled out of his trance suddenly, seeing all their servants running to their mistress. She is still kneeling, trembling on the ground when he arrives out of breath after a short run.

 

“It's... Ryo.” She says, holding her belly. “He is...”

 

Tadayoshi feels like the ground is opening beneath his feet, finally swallowing him in this pit of despair he has gazed at, sitting on its edge, for weeks. He takes his wife in his arms, before everyone's curious eyes and slowly but firmly leads her inside. His legs are shaking, he feels dead inside, but the nobility he's been raised to adopt one day finally shows up and helps him support the weight of both their bodies until no other person, other than them, can hear what they're going to say.

 

Once inside, in their shared bedroom, he lets Kae lie on a soft futon and finally takes the letter from her hands. It takes a lot to read the few first words when he expects them to tell him how Ryo died on the battlefield while he was just sitting here, unscathed.

 

“ _10_ _th_ _month, 20_ _th_ _day, 27_ _th_ _year_

 

_Sir,_

 

_I'm writing this letter on behalf of my friend, Nishikido Ryo. He is currently not able to write. We got caught in an ambush and badly wounded. He is suffering multiple severe injuries and I now fear for his life. He is delirious and talks about you all the time, that's why, despite him not wanting you to see his pitiful self, I think you should come where we are kept, as fast as possible._

 

_You may not love him anymore. You may prefer focusing on your wife and the baby to come – as we were told by one of your men, now serving in the army alongside us. But Ryo needs you. For when he is going to die, I want him to smile believing you still love him._

 

_Respectfully yours,_

 

_Maruyama Ryuhei.”_

 

“What are you going to do?” Kae asks. She is looking at him so intensely it pierces through his brain. Those eyes could kill he thinks, remembering the time, not so long ago when he kind of feared her and her wilderness.

 

“I'm going, of course. I can't... Let him down. You knew I was going to go anyway.”

 

“You're my husband. Despite what you think I care for you. And I also care for him... I didn't want all of this to happen. You should go now. If he...” Her voice breaks and tears start rolling down her cheeks. “...dies, now, you will regret it. All your life. We need you to be strong. Go and tell him... How much I've loved him, once.”

 

Tadayoshi stands and feebly smiles. He leans toward her and kisses her forehead with the tenderness he didn't think to be capable of.

 

Reaching his wife's round belly, he sighs.

 

“I didn't ask for it... You know... Falling in love with him. It could have been you. It should have. But somehow, things turned out different, and I don't regret it. I will still be here for you at any time. That is the reason I was born, I think. And because you are being so kind as to let me love someone else, I will keep looking after you and this baby.”

 

“Who said I needed a man to look after me, Lord Ashton?” Kae asks, half-smiling. “Off you go! Ryo is waiting, don't waste time!”

 

****************  
  
After two and a half days of a frantic trip through Japan, Tadayoshi's mount is exhausted, dragging its hooves on the newly built streets of Kobe. The city is thriving, full of strolling merchants and soldiers on leave. It's a struggle at first to find his way through the dense population but the more Tadayoshi gets close to the harbor, the more he encounters wounded soldiers and officers, until he reaches a tall building – a warehouse originally – labeled “Hospital” thanks to a few ideograms hastily painted in black paint above its gaping door.

 

The smell is atrocious around the building and despite autumn starting to settle down, the heat is still there, as if this part of the country did not want to let one of its hottest summers ever go. Flies are everywhere, attacking his face as he steps inside the warehouse, taking just a minute for his eyes to adjust to the semi-darkness reigning inside.

 

When he finally sees what's in there, his heart jumps in horror. Thousands of tortured bodies are lying on the floor in perfect lines. They cry, they scream and beg for mercy, those men drenched in blood and sweat who are trying to grab the lower hem of his pants as he passes by. He feels confused, not knowing where to start. He could follow every line of the wounded, weaving through the nurses and the spared officers in order to logically search for Ryo. But all he can do, confronted to this hell of a place, is to walk aimlessly, stepping across the ones who crawled out of their lines to die in the way of the living.

 

Time does not exist anymore, the day is stretching infinitely as if they were all caught in some confusing loop of suffering. Tadayoshi may have been there for hours, endlessly searching through damaged corpses and crying young men for the one he loves. His energy wears thin, his eyes are puffy from all the tears they've given but he keeps looking for him, for Ryo, in that ocean of pain made of screaming waves.

 

And suddenly, somewhere around the closest door, lying on a blood-drenched sheet is Ryo, his uniform jacket opened on a filthy white shirt that bears the traces of an attack. Tadayoshi runs to him and falls onto his knees next to his head, finally holding the precious face between his trembling fingers. He kisses the hot and sweaty forehead and lets his lips rest there for a while, sobbing his relief against Ryo's skin. A once white sheet is covering his legs and there's nothing apart from the thin fabric between him and the dirty floor.

 

Ryo seems unconscious, breathing with great difficulties and with a whistling sound that tears Tadayoshi's heart apart.

 

“Excuse me? Are you...?” Someone asks above him with the kindest voice he's ever heard.

 

“Ohkura. Tadayoshi...” He whispers, still holding Ryo's head and not wanting to let go.

 

“Thought so.” The man says, smiling softly. “I'm Maruyama. And I'm glad you're here...” he adds, bowing so deeply his long and curly locks are hiding his face.

 

“How is he?” Tadayoshi lets out, forgetting all his lessons of politeness.

 

“Not well, my lord. He's delirious because of the fever, the infection, you see...”

 

“What infection? I can't see any wounds?” Tadayoshi states, opening the front of Ryo's shirt only to find the perfectly smooth chest marked with small healed scars that weren't there before.

 

Maruyama walks to Ryo's feet and lifts the bloody sheet off his legs. There is something wrong with those legs, Tadayoshi thinks immediately. Something very wrong. Actually, under Ryo's right knee, there's nothing left anymore. Only a puddle of blood and a cut pants' leg that gives him a pretty good sight of the void that his lover's right leg is now.

 

Nausea creeps up his throat and he crawls away in horror, throwing up against the nearest wall. Maruyama is here, behind him in a second, soothing his sobs with a friendly touch on his back.

 

“It's alright. Take a breath...”

 

“How? How did it... Happen?”

 

“We got caught into an ambush while we were steering along Japan's north coast. A Chinese ship. They had been waiting for us. It was hell for maybe half an hour and suddenly, nothing. Silence... Death everywhere... I've found Ryo hanging off the rail, his leg was already gone. I just... applied a tourniquet made off bits of fabrics and left with him on the nearest lifeboat. We were eventually dropped here but no one is paying attention, no one comes to help... It's been so long!”

 

“We need to evacuate him. He can't stay here.” Tadayoshi says, finding his legs again. He's still leaning on Maruyama for support, though, as they go back to Ryo.

 

“Well. I tried. But no soldier can leave except if he's a corpse. It's considered as desertion... Punishable by death. They're not helping but they sure keep a close eye on the exits.”

 

“So I will talk to the one in charge of this hellhole. We are going to leave, before tonight, I promise.”

 

They are kneeling beside Ryo again. Tadayoshi tries to avoid looking at the fleshy mess that is his lover's leg, focusing on his beautiful face. Ryo's hair is quite long again so he brushes it back to clear his tensed forehead. When he does so, the young man slowly opens his eyes and sees him. His irises are blurred by the pain and the fever but still, he slightly frowns, as if he tried to get a more precise view.

 

“Maru...” he whispers, with a voice so low it's hardly understandable. “Maru... Is he... a dream... again?” Ryo finally asks, his right hand feebly hanging in the air, trying to reach Tadayoshi's face.

 

“No, Ryo. He is here, for good.” His friend says, relieved.

 

“I'm here my love, I'm here and I won't leave you. Stay with me, please!” Tadayoshi cries into Ryo's palm.

 

The tears rolling on his hot hand seem to convince him, eventually. And Ryo smiles, tiredly, smiles to the person he has been waiting for.

 

“You're here... All is... well... then.” He says before falling unconscious, again.

 


	10. Half The Man He Used To Be

Tadayoshi softly knocks on the severe wooden door he has been shown by a clearly out of her depth nurse. He has reluctantly left Ryo to negotiate their leave with the head of that hell of a hospital, entrusting his lover's life into Maruyama's hands again. There's no time to lose.

 

He knocks again, harder. No answer behind the thick panel, or at least he hasn't heard one. The wounded are screaming, flies are buzzing, the ruckus is such that he decides to open the door without waiting. The room is not empty: someone is there, a bearded man, sitting behind a huge desk covered with papers. He is holding his forehead with both his hands, gently massaging his own temples with trembling thumbs.

 

“Excuse me... Sir?” Tadayoshi tries, carefully stepping forward.

 

“Who are you? Why did you come in? I _said_ I didn't want any visitors today.” The officer states with a blank voice, as he finally looks at the young man. “Surely you can wait, young man, as you're apparently well fed and in perfect shape.”

 

“Well, _I_ can wait, Colonel. But my friend over there can't.” Tadayoshi bitterly answers as he shows Ryo, lost among the thousands of bodies lying on the floor.

 

“Oh, isn't that sweet? Did you come to ask for a doctor? We don't have doctors, they all have fled this hellhole a long time ago. Matter settled, goodbye.”

 

“You don't understand. I don't want a doctor, I want my friend to be released so I could bring him back home. He's dying here.”

 

“They're all dying here, young man. If he leaves, he's a deserter. If he's a deserter, it's a death penalty. He's dead anyway...”

 

Tadayoshi takes two other steps towards the desk and defiantly sits on a messy chair, right in front of the Colonel. The old man frowns, letting go of the papers he had started shuffling through.

 

“Listen, young...”

 

“Stop calling me like this. I am Lord Ashton, married to Yamada Kae and thus the heir of the house Yamada. My father-in-law was one of the bravest and wealthiest men in Japan. If I ask my friend to be released, I expect it to be done quickly. Or maybe I should go ask the Grand Marshall, who was a guest at my marriage and a friend to my late father-in-law?”

 

The Colonel's frown does not fade. He does not seem too preoccupied with Tadayoshi's show of force.

 

“Alright, _my Lord_. And who is that friend you want to save so much? Why?”

 

“Nishikido Ryo, my wife's foster brother. She is pregnant with my child and I don't want her to lose a brother after she has lost her father just a few weeks ago.” A few lies couldn't kill, he thinks, again. If one thing, Japan has surely made him a professional liar. “He was well loved by Yamada-sama, who considered him as his son. I also want his friend, Maruyama, released. He has been of great help.”

 

A pause. The Colonel thinks, scratches his beard.

 

“So... Let me go through this again. Because you are from a wealthy family and you can throw names to my face like threats... you think your little friends are above the law and can leave the army whenever they need?”

 

“The law is unfair,” Tadayoshi answers, way too fast. His voice is shaking.

 

“It is still the law, nonetheless, _young man_. And I would not break the law without any... compensation.”

 

“How much?”

 

“The question is... How much are you willing to compensate the army for that great loss?”

 

“Oh, I doubt the army and those poor abandoned soldiers will ever see an ounce of that money,” Tadayoshi says, throwing two thick bundles of bills on the desk. “That's all I have for now. But money is not the only thing I can spare. I own a lot of lands. How about being rewarded with your own estate after the war?”

 

The eyes of the Colonel are shining as he takes the bills without a word. Tadayoshi knows he has made a point.

 

“I'd like that very much, yes.” Are the only words the officer utters while he shoves the money in the nearest drawer.

 

Tadayoshi could smash his skull against the sturdy wood of his desk right now if he wasn't so sure to be arrested the following minute. And Ryo wouldn't be saved. So without a word, he snatches a white piece of paper and starts writing the contract, rightfully giving a whole farm of his to this crooked man. When it's done, he is rewarded with a pass for Ryo and his friend Maruyama. There is no room for thanks or a handshake in that gloomy office so after having checked the pass thrice for any mistake or trick he leaves the room without a fuss, trying to keep his lord demeanor until he's closed the door behind him.

 

The hell of that Colonel, he thinks. That man should burn in the flames, like half of the officers in this terrible place.

 

Ryo is still unconscious when he arrives. He picks his lover's frail silhouette from the dirty floor, noticing how lightweight is the other. Maruyama follows without a question, handing the pass he's read with a smile to the soldiers at the exit. Soon, they're out in the sun, breathing the pure air coming from the close-by sea.

 

“I never thought it could be possible...” Maruyama says with a hint of happiness in his voice. Tadayoshi gives him a questioning look as he lets Ryo's body lay onto the back seat of the car he's just hailed. “... That Ryo would see the sun again. I thought he would die inside that place. It's a miracle.”

 

“It's no miracle, there's nothing money can't buy. The gods have nothing to do with it. It's terribly human. So human we should leave now before the scum behind all this changes his mind.”

 

****************  
  
“Hey there...” Tadayoshi hesitantly says. Ryo's lids are faintly moving, grazed by a morning ray of sunshine coming through the closed windows. The samurai breathes harder suddenly, shaking his head from left to right as if to get rid of an attacker. He's still sweaty, devoured by the fever, even after the resting days they have spent in an inn outside of Kobe. Tadayoshi has made sure the best doctor in town could see Ryo and could stop any blood poisoning but it's a long way to recovery the old man has said, looking very sorry.

 

Tadayoshi lets his fingers softly brush the sweaty bangs away from Ryo's forehead and leaves a kiss there, to soothe the painful frown marking the other's features.

 

“Hey... everything's alright. I'm here...” he murmurs right on his lover's skin, as his hand lovingly but firmly lands on Ryo's chest to keep him from falling from the bed.

 

And finally, after all those days of unconsciousness and worry, Ryo opens his eyes to some peaceful place, far from the war, far from the place of death he had been brought to.

 

“Tadayoshi?” he faintly articulates, his hand clumsily searching for his beloved's face.

 

“Yes. I'm here.” He kisses Ryo's palm with devotion and smiles. He hasn't felt better in months. Not only are they reunited but his love is alive, and remembers him and their mutual adoration. “Don't sit up yet, you are too weak. We are going to stay here for a bit, so you can heal. Then, we'll go back home.”

 

“But... The army... desertion...”

 

“It's been taken care of. You are not part of the army anymore, you have given enough of... yourself to the war.”

 

“My leg...” Ryo complains, feebly searching for it under the sheets. When his fingers reach after his right knee they meet nothing but emptiness. His body starts shaking again in shock as he eventually realizes that he's lost it to the battlefield. “I... no...” Ryo whispers. His horrified eyes are breaking Tadayoshi's heart in a million pieces.

 

He's lied to Maruyama. There are things money can't buy: Ryo's body has been severely damaged, so much it will be impossible for him to be who he once was. And as his lover starts panicking, the only thing he can do is to take him in his arms, against his heart and swear that he will always remain by his side.

 

****************  
  
“Question is... I am half the man I used to be. Will you keep loving me?” the samurai asks very seriously one morning after waking up. He has cried the loss of his leg for hours, days even. And Tadayoshi has been there, all along, helped by Maruyama who is so thankful that he has sworn himself to the Yamada family.

 

The tears have now dried and the bitterness replaces them, eating Ryo's heart and mind a little more every day.

 

“I love every bit of you. You are alive, that's all that matters.” Tadayoshi says, trying to smile. He's lying on his side, next to Ryo, a hand possessively resting on the other's stomach. His lover is still insanely beautiful, even after all the hardships and sufferings he has just gone through. The long lashes that outline his bottomless eyes flutter for a second. There is a small smile forming on the samurai's lips that Tadayoshi rushes to tenderly kiss. “And you are not half the man you were. You are my man. Alive and warm and so incredibly beautiful...”

 

The young man lets the kiss deepen as Ryo's fingers gently scrape his nape, keeping him firmly against his mouth.

 

“I have missed you so much. Every day I looked at your picture. I can't believe that we've known each other for only six months. It's like you are everything I've always been waiting for...”

 

“How come the sudden romanticism, Nishikido-san? Did you get hit on the head as well?” Tadayoshi chuckles, burying his nose in his lover's neck.

 

“Aaaah... If only... It hurts, you know. My leg.”

 

“I know, love, but...”

 

“Not the stump, not really. Not anymore. My _right foot_ hurts. It's scratching and the second after it's burning... It feels like my flesh is torn from my leg all over again. That's what makes me half the one I used to be. Sometimes it makes me crazy because whatever I feel, no painkiller can soothe the pain, no hand can heal it. It's gone, but it's still here, like a throbbing ghost.” Ryo takes Tadayoshi's chin between his fingers and lifts it until he can softly kiss the coveted lips. “Will you keep loving such a man? That is my question. A man who's going mad by the minute, a man who's reached his limit. I don't wanna hurt you. It's still time for you to run.”

 

Tadayoshi looks into  Ryo's eyes, intensely. He is lost, he doesn't know yet how they will be able to overcome what's waiting for them. Only one thing is certain: he will never run away from the one he thought he had lost for good. Never.

 

So he closes the distance between them and kisses Ryo again, passionately. As the other eagerly responds to the embrace, he smiles.

 


End file.
